Children's Chores
It threw me when I was getting to know my then-future husband and his then-10-year-old son that very little chores were required of the lad. Frankly, I was vaguely appalled, but I certainly wasn't going to risk being an evil future stepmother by setting up a work-flow chart on the fridge.
A good guy friend of mine told me that when he turned 15, his mom cut him off from laundry services and told him to do it himself from now on. So I suggested at least this compromise to Mark. He said Oliver would figure it out when he is on his own, as an adult. Hmm, yeah, well, not my horse, not my ranch. But I made it clear I'm not cleaning up after someone old enough to do it themselves. Mark didn't believe me when I said I was doing my laundry at five years old.
I think chores are not only considerate to others in the house, but key to creating a child who is not spoiled and has a good work ethic. This page has guidelines about children's chores. One of them speaks of giving a child a reward. Uh, I don't think so. Did John Boy get a reward? Or did he just help his Mama when she asked?
I cracked the whip with my two teens. They HATED it. And I was the gossiped-about mom on the block. I didn't even get invited to Bunco! B+ches…
so now, my kid is off in a big city, registering herself for her own classes, keeping a semi-tidy apartment, and getting to work at 6am. And the Bunco babies? Yeah, they're at home, asking for room makeovers… and getting them…
I thought we were supposed to raise them to be adults.
So, Daphne, fair question. When are you going to start having Miss Viv carry her share and what exactly will that entail? Cause, see, here's the thing. I am having a heck of a time with my 8 year old princess. My husband is so good about chores with Frannie - but I am terrible about enforcing. It's just easier to make the damned bed before school in the morning. It's hard enough just to get her out the door in time. It's just EASIER to dry the dishes myself. I mean, I've already washed the damned things. And cooked the crap that got them dirty in the first place. I would really love to know your game plan cause right now I got no game.
Refer to earlier posts, ok. I mean, we had a maid or 10.
This issue has been one we got some help with from financial guru Robert Kiyosaki of Rich Dad, Poor Dad fame. We too wanted to instill responsibility without entitlement with our son, now five. For more than a year this has worked and we are morphing it as he gets more sophisticated, the mark of a good system.
There are basic expected chores that are part of care of the home and community: picking up after yourself, making bed, etc. You set these up with the kids together and get an underlying agreement first. Once they are agreed, then not doing them becomes a matter of keeping your word and you can manage that with a simple A+B=C system. Agreement broken + privilege to Be removed = Choice. There is more to learn about this and other concepts at http://www.licensed2parent.com , if this interests you.
Then there are tasks that are above and beyond the basics: Unloading dishwasher, raking leaves, washing a car, dusting, etc. These are done almost as a business negotiation. Either party can begin the talks.
A parent wants something done, you offer your price and agree. They want spending money, determine what tasks they can do to earn the cash. Do not buy something then have them work it off, that is master manipulation! We call this helper's way in my family but find somehting that works for you. Hope this helps!
Dawn
Lynne, good question. Well, since my mom started me at 5 I was thinking about expecting a bit more than. Right now I do coach on dirty clothes go in the hamper, she can put her dish in the dishwasher, though I need to enforce that more. She "helped" with laundry this weekend , figure good for her to have the idea.
Dawn, will check out that site. good stuff.
Thanks Daphne. We don't expect too much in chores but why is it I have these horrible guilty feeling about MAKING her clear her dishes and make sure her bed is made? It's really disgusting that I feel like I am ruining her childhood by enforcing these rules. And it sets my husband up as Mr. MeaniePants. Which suck for him.
Thanks to Dawn for the web link. I'll go check it out. Right after I go make the beds and clear up the breakfast dishes.
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Dawn - I love that recommendation! We use a Target trip every Saturday as the carrot to get the little ones to clean up and help out, but we are not exactly structured about it. And we don't add in the negotiating, which I always considered to be manipulative, but now I can see some benefits.
So yesterday, my little boy wanted to wash the dishes for fun before I put them in the dishwasher. Can you believe I almost said no. I stood there silently contemplating this whole thread, and then I made him the happiest little boy. "Sure, you can wash the dishes!" His big sister wanted in on the game and I was like, "Sure!" So funny…
Daphne - Thanks for starting this conversation!