I know it’s not good to dwell on the bad and sad, but sometimes my mom brain can’t help itself!
On the verge of getting sick the other night I was seized by the desire to watch an adult film. Not porn, but mature themed, the kind you can’t watch with your child in the room. So, Vivien was asleep and I watched “Gone Baby Gone.” It’s a very well made film, Directed by Ben Affleck. The movie has all the ingredients, great acting and all the good stuff, including a plot with lots of twists. But, a central theme is children who are criminally mistreated (to put it politely). So, it comes as no surprise, that it gave me nightmares. In the middle of the night I had to climb into Vivien’s bed and hold her hand to reassure me. But, then I am worried about all the children in the world who are not looked after. My husband groaned the next day, “I knew you shouldn’t watch that movie.”
My friend’s mother is a foster mother. Every child my friend takes in has been severely sexually abused, often by both of their parents. This is unbelievable, right? I can get so worried about these harmed children it makes my stomach hurt, yet I’m not sure what to do with this worry. I’m not ready to be a foster mom myself.
WORRY #2
My other mom worry of the day was triggered when I glanced over my husband’s shoulder the other day while he was reading the paper and saw a story about a mom who discovered she had advanced cancer when delivering her daughter. She was a remarkable woman. She fought on until her daughter’s 2nd birthday. There was a photo of this mom hugging her daughter when she was an infant, and you could see that mother love intensity. You know she never wanted to leave her daughter. You can’t read this story without crying your eyes out. That is my second greatest fear in life.
Those are my dark places.
wow. amazing how motherhood does that to you. i had the same reaction to that article.
i was just saying to a friend the other day how i have tied my mortality for so many years to being a mom and not being able to bear the thought of leaving behind my kids. now that they are getting older, i have to be honest, the fear is not as great. don’t get me wrong, it is not like i want to check out real soon or anything, it is just not as horrifying a thought now that i have left my mark on them.
don’t worry daph, we all have that dark place.
wait, maybe it is just you and me ; )
I think that life before children is so simple. It’s easy to worry, or not, about yourself. Watch for broken glass, safely cross a busy street , swim in the ocean… all without a care in the world.
Today we were at the beach. So much fun. But at one point, after looking away for the infamous “two seconds,” we lost sight of my son. We bolted up and started jumping in the waves only to see him about five yards over chasing a bird. He’s not a baby. He can handle being tossed by a wave. And we were not far nor had we looked away very long, which is why he wasn’t lost lost.
That feeling… caring… a LOT… about another human and their safety… that feeling just makes it impossible to imagine the inhumanity of the monsters of this world.
Amy, thanks for saying I am not alone! I will remember that at 4:30am. Been walking up too much lately and doing my worry beads in my head. I hear you that it would be less scary if your kids are launched. Of course, I still want my mommy. It’s part of the problem that my husband and I aren’t young parents. I worry more!
Yes, you can have a heart attack so fast with stuff like that.