Horoscopes Are For the Birds

A couple of years ago, I was performing at the Comedy Store on Sunset Blvd. in LA. A male comic came on later and brought the house down, the kind of rolling, “I think I may pee” funny. I wish I knew his name to give him credit. He did a bit where he said, “You know, the only people who care about astrology are straight woman, gay woman, and gay men. Straight men would sooner have a discussion about how much money it would take for them to give another man a blow job than talk about astrology. Which, by the way, for me is $4,800 if I’m drunk, $6,000 if I’m sober.”  I’m sure I’m getting a few words wrong, but this comic had us in stitches. A friend of my husband’s was undone, “OMG, I’ve had that conversation.” I wish I had written that bit because for a long time now this astrology thing has really bugged. about Here’s a vlog I did when I was still pregnant about astrology.

12 thoughts on “Horoscopes Are For the Birds

  1. I got into an argument with a friend a few years ago because she insisted that astrology was as scientific as physics. She was like, “But when I read the descriptions of my sign’s personality, it fits like a glove.”

    Then I had her read the personality descriptions of the other signs, and she realized she could “fit” herself into each of them.

    I think you’re right–astrology is very often a women’s fascination, and I’ve never understood it. I mean, who are the experts? What makes someone an authority on astrology? And why does it matter anyway?

  2. I used to be one of those who would read her horoscope everyday. I occured to me a few years later that it was all bull. Of course it might be that I grew out of it. Kind of like reading Cosmo. That stuff’s fun for young women, when you get older you find it’s silly.

  3. Right with you, Daphne. Crazy!

    I was at the gym the other day and there was a woman and (presumably straight) man on the adjacent treadmills talking about having relocated to LA from NYC. They were sharing tips with each other on finding a good astrologer. I was dumbstruck… and sorta excited, because normally, New Yorkers are willing to bash Angelenos for being so flighty and koo-koo, yet here were two New Yorkers strategizing about astrology.

  4. I went on a date with a guy who asked me what sign I was. Then throughout the date, anytime I would say something about myself, he would be like “Oh, that is a typical Gemni trait”. In truth, it pissed me off to be so stereotyped.
    However I have often considered going into astrology because essentially you are being paid to BS. I think I could be very good at that–I mean I already do it now, for free!

  5. yeah, people, great comments. Julia Sweeney did a great send up of astrology as well in a one woman show about religion a while back. How people thing their sign “is so me!”
    Nancy had one woman she consulted with. Apparently she advised Reagan to open talks with Russia, thaw relations, so that was good.

  6. Eh, I kind of like the whole astrology thing. We have large groupings of people in our family who have birthday’s around the same time, and we all notice similar character traits about them. Star-bound? I dunno. What I do know is that my daughter whose birthday is one day before her bond-Uncle’s birthday and shares no blood with him is so like him, not in appearance but temperament, interests and speech mannerisms that people often mistake them for father and daughter.

    Doesn’t mean I base my life on what the “stars” tell me, but people’s mileage varies I suppose. Also I particularly like my sign so I suppose that doesn’t help make me more impartial.

    Scientifically? You’re absolutely right. My personal anacadata colored by my love of my own sign makes me see things a little differently. But that’s me.

    No hating. :)

  7. Oh I am SO with you on this. I didn’t even know what my *own* sign was until I was like 20 and bought my first issue of Cosmo. And I was like, this is stupid. And never thought about it again until this midwife at the doctor’s office was like, “OH, HE’S GOING TO BE A TAURUS” with these huge eyes, like it was something bad. I just smiled and fought the urge to let my eyes roll out of my head.

  8. Oh, wouldn’t it be pretty to think so … you could open up the newspaper (did i just date myself) and know what was in store? And how I wish I had a fraction of the traits attributed to Aries. But no, I am so far from being anything like my sign. Yeah, yeah … I’ve heard about the cusp and rising and falling and the variables (have even been asked if maybe I was a foundling) but people, it just ain’t happening.

    Having said all that, I still read my horoscope every day!

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