What to Say

(Note: Not the original intro I had written. See below for ensuing sh*t storm.)

Okay, this was my attempt to do a twist on the vlog I did post miscarriage “What NOT to say” about hurtful things people said to me after that. This is what TO say because I found it was hard when people didn’t say anything after we found out we had been robbed and had to sell our house.

Frankly, this vlog was not as successful as the one I patterning it after. I think I tried to cram too much in. But the take-away for me to remember is: if someone’s misfortune is uncomfortable to you, imagine how it is for them.

Not that I’m always succesful at this… work in progress.

38 thoughts on “What to Say

  1. Sorry!!! Every time I hear his name on the new I think about your family.

    I am not a psycho, I am just a lurker, who loves your humor!

    Keep up the wonderful blog & sorry about the ponzi.

  2. Daphne, please don’t take this the wrong way because I really like you and if we lived near by I know we could be friends because I really get and understand you. But sometimes with friends you have to be straight up. I wanted to say something before but decided to let it slide but since you keep bringing up Madoff I feel like speaking my mind.

    I looked up the home that you had to sell and it was a 3 million dollar home. I can only assume that the home that you live in now is maybe half of that price which would still be at least a million dollars. I can’t even imagine that amount of money.

    I live in a two bedroom condo worth at the most $200,000. I have lived in it for the past 10 years with my husband and young son. We probably will never be able to afford anything past the price range of the condo.

    It’s really hard for me to feel sorry for you in the financial department.

  3. Andrea, I understand the desire to see other people’s misfortunes stacked up against your own life and then to withhold sympathy if they still come out ahead, but it’s wrong wrong wrong. If your money was stolen and your condo was robbed of everything of value, what would you think of an indebted apartment-dwelling friend who said, “Well, you’re still better off than me, so just suck it up and be grateful”?

    Envy is ugly. The most beautiful people I’ve ever known are those who, even as their own lives were difficult, could feel compassion and empathy for others who were hurting, regardless of the relative circumstances of their lives.

  4. Daphne, I”m sorry you have to go through ANDREA”S COMMENT!!

    Money lost is money lost, dreams crushed are just that. What was done to Daphne and so many others was unlawful, scheming, and subhuman. People don’t do what Madoff did to others. It’s wrong.

    So, it doesn’t matter if it’s $50 or $50,000.00, It is still money wrongfully taken from you, based on lies and false representation.

    And that is against the law.

    Sorry you have to go through all this, Daphne. But I got your back, you’re my girl.

  5. Joy and Alexandra, you two read way more into my comment than what was there. You decided to add to my comments your own assumptions.

    I am not envious and I do feel for people going through tough times but after awhile you have to go on with life. There are much worse things that could of and can happen.

    I would like to hear Daphne’s thoughts on what I said.

  6. I have to agree with Andrea on this…. And I have been reading this blog for a little while and I sometimes feel that some of these blog posts are a bit gratuitous. Just my opinion.

    I still come back to read them though, so they must still be interesting and entertaining!

  7. Daphne, I have been thinking all day if I should respond to these comments or not. I think that I am, and I hope that you do not hate me after this (hate me, you don’t even know me!) but you know what I’m saying.

    I can kind of see where Andrea is coming from, and I do think her comments were taken a bit out of context.

    The thing is, I feel horrible about what happened to you. To everyone who was robbed their hard earned money. Alexandra is right, money lost is money lost, no matter how much it is. It upset your family, your routine, your way of life. You’ve had to make drastic changes to your lifestyle. You’ve had to move from your beautiful house. However, I am just a girl from a little town in the midwest. People are getting laid off all around me, houses in my own neighborhood are being forclosed on, and my husband works 7 days a week at a union job so we can get by. I live in a house that cost us $80,000, and we’re lucky. The economy SUCKS, and Bernie didn’t help it any. For you, this was a huge deal, but please try to see where Andrea is coming from on this. In her eyes, (I’m assuming) in many people’s lives, including mine, we can’t ever imagine having even a quarter of that kind of money. It sucks that your friends and neighbors didn’t react favorably to you, but a lot of people are nervous and don’t know what to say in a situation like that (hence, why you did this vlog). Cut them some slack, and girls, cut Andrea some slack. She’s (and I) are just voicing an opinion that is different. I don’t think any of us disagree that what happened to Daphne is horrible, but we do disagree on some other aspects of the vlog.

    Ok, let the flaming begin….

  8. Yeah, I have to say, your post reminds me of the line in American Beauty when Annette Bening’s character says “When I was your age we didn’t even have our own house. We lived in a duplex!” As in, oh my god! the horrors, right? I’m a newspaper reporter and in the course of another story just heard about a foster child who had his first-ever birthday cake. At the age of 15. Sure, Madoff was a crook and being used by a crook is shitty, but put it in perspective, right? You still have all your limbs, and your kids have a yard to play in.

  9. I believe nobody has gotten the point here. This is not “poor little me” or even relative poverty. It is about the importance of talking about difficult issues. There are so many things in my life I wish I had addressed sooner and more honestly. I’m sure most people feel the same. When we openly talk about difficult and painful things we rob them of the power to control us.
    Disclaimer: Daphne is my wife but she has not reviewed this comment.

  10. Everyone in adverse situations measures and tempers their reactions based on the reality with which they are currently presented. We are all far too educated to allow this to sink into a unnecessary pissing match of “who has it worse.” Right?

    Anyone? Bueller?

    What is called for in this particular situation, as well as in uncomfortable situations like the ones Daphne is talking about in the clip, is understanding and empathy. All people, regardless of their perceived “level” of suffering, deserve (and should be afforded) basic respect and human consideration.

  11. That’s a great point Mark (insert period here – the period key on my laptop is currently out of commission)

    I believe what the point was of some of the people commenting is that we can’t really relate to her “down and out-ness” since most of us live in very modest homes and are just praying that our husbands can keep their jobs.

    Perhaps it would have been better to use another example from her life experiences?

    I agree with Jamie as well. We do possess a much better educated level to turn this into “who has it worse off” match.

  12. Hey, what a lot of comments while I was gone. We are were on a family trip . And I was working this morning while Mark was home with Rex. So this is the first I have looked at this.
    First off. in my absence someone else was posting things I had banked. Sadly, the intro to the piece was NOT posted. Here it is. She must have thought I didn’t post anything so she made an intro up.

    okay, this was my attempt to do a twist on the vlog I did post miscarriage “what NOT to say” about hurtful things people said to me after that. This is what TO say because I found it was hard when people didn’t say anything after we found out we had been robbed and had to sell our house.

    Frankly, this vlog was not as succesful as the one I patterning it after. I think I tried to cram too much in. But, the take away for me to remember is: if some ones misfortune is uncomfortable to you, imagine how it is for them.

    Not that I’m always succesful at this.. work in progress.

    Why is it so hard to approach people who have an illness, death, whatever? I think we are afraid we will catch it.

  13. Additionally,
    When I came clean with the whole Madoff thing I said very clearly that it was not to do just as a personal diary. But, that so many people have been hurt in this economy it was good for all of us too talk about what we are all going through.
    2) I know that there is NO information that is hidden in the net age we are in. So, as a lead plantiff in a suit against Stanely Chais ( the feeder fund we were in, and the case has been dismissed cause there is no point.) So am I suppose to pretend that I lived in a hut by a river? I have video taped my old house up the ying yang, you can see it’s a nice house.
    3) I’ve been very touched by the outpouring of sweet comments when I did say “I was a Madoff victim”. I always expected to get some comments like Andrea’s. It stings, but I know it’s part and parcerl of thins blogger world I entered into.
    Rebecca at Hotmail…I have never taken my limbs for granted. Maybe you haven’t read my other posts about how my children’s health are what is paramount in my life. And your birthday cakes story isn’t the worst I’ve heard. How about the foster child a friends’ mom cares for who was raped by both of her parents. The list of people suffering in this world is long. I can only blog about MY own experience, not that of someone elses. To act like I am someone else would be more obnoxious.

    I was saying to my husband last night “bernie madoff ruined his life, he didn’t ruin MY life.” But, yes, I would rather this theft had not happened. I started the IRA that was stolen when I was making $3.45 an hour working at a mall. I was a financial aid student. I do not come from money. When my husband started working in the kitchen he made about $2 an hour. He not only doesn’t come from money he has supported his mother for years. I was happy that we had finally bought a home and our future looked steady.
    I didn’t write about this loss on coolmom for months because it was too painful.

    And Andrea, good for you that you have a condo. Your assumption about the value of my present home is off since I don’t own it. We rent.
    I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I was addressing how deal when someone else goes through a misfortune. Am I testy around some of this? yes, I am . And It was very embarrassing to have put a for sale sign in front of my house and I was touched at the nice things people said to me. Just last night someone I barely know made a remark about how we lost our money to Madoff. My husband says it’s “a thick callous” for him. Some days it is for me, other times it’s stings to be a victim of crime so publicly. I’m sorry it doesn’t measure up to somes level of misfortune. It’s what it is.

  14. Hi Daphne~

    I found you thru momversation.com, and have been following you for a while.

    Funny, I am working away from home, and I saw you on tv, and thought…”I KNOW HER.”

    Ah, the faux sense of familiarity can be confusing to even me, and I work in a “front of camera” field.

    Anyway, hurting people cannot have empathy. It’s the same reason why very little art comes from third world countries. I cannot imagine how hard it has been for you (esp with a little one coming and now here), but I am proud to see you surviving and thriving.

    Stress is the non-acceptance of what IS. You know this, which is why you still have a sense of humor.

    namaste~

  15. Daphne,
    I completely understand your point of view as not being “poor me, look what happened to me, have pity on me won’t you” You simply want to put it out there that is is ok to acknowledge what has happened and to have empathy for our fellow human beings. What everyone needs to understand is that it is completely acceptable to feel sorry for ones self in a crappy situation no matter how fortunate you may be in other areas of your life. Yes, there is always someone worse off but does that negate your feelings and make them unfounded, I think not. I can give a perfect example, my daughter has a mild club foot and I get angry about it all the time. I would rather not have to put her through the treatments necessary for correcting it. The first time I spoke about this with another mom I find out that her son ( who I didn’t know about) has a congenital deformity where his leg bones did not form and he will have to have his leg amputated. Here I am complaining about my daughters perfectly functioning leg that just needs a brace to correct and her child is loosing a leg. But does that make my stress and dismay in my situation any less important, no it does not. It just makes it different and I am perfectly right to feel that sadness and anger about my situation as you are about yours. What is wrong with needing a little support and understanding from your friends and neighbors when something wrong has happened? Perhaps we could all just be a little nicer to each other.

  16. Ah Becky, I really love what you wrote. Well said.

    I was also thinking about the earlier “at least you have all your limbs” line. My father law was born without one of his arms, but he was not someone to be pitied. He led a full life. I do think how we all deal with slings and blows of life is attitude and hopefully a good support system!

    I’m sorry your little girl has to go through any discomfort and I can imagine how you must have felt when the other mother told you her story. In the end you can only lead your own life, and yes, be nice!

    Shannon, thanks for coming to coolmom. I would say there is art in the third world, but maybe cause I was just at the folk art museum in sante fe. I think I know what you mean though. when you are in survival mode you can’t paint a masterpiece. right? ( let alone no access to art dealers)
    I think I still need more time in the tragedy+time = comedy formula.

  17. Daphne,

    I have been reading and watching your blog for a while and have never commented. Every time I hear about Madoff, I think of you and how you were robbed. I have also always assumed that you and your husband worked very hard for your money. I really don’t know why I assumed that, perhaps it’s just the way you come across in your vlogs. You seem very practical and down to earth. I just wanted to say that I am sorry this happened to you. I am sorry that two people can work so hard for every thing they have and then it can be just taken from them. Just know that there are a lot of readers out there who “get it” and I hope you don’t stop posting about it because of the few who don’t,

  18. I know I’m late to the party, but I just read your blog post in which you recall the advice of a professor who asked if you really thought life was a constantly upward trajectory. I thought the same thing! When my husband and I planned our life together (okay, first mistake, trying to plan your whole life on a legal pad), we assumed that we our salaries would always go up. We didn’t figure on layoffs, quitting a job because it wasn’t family friendly, the economy tanking. And now we’re in the weeds, big time.

    We probably should have moved out of our house when the suckage began, a year and a half ago, but we didn’t. And now we’re behind on mortgage payments and watching our credit score trickle down to the price of a bucket of chicken.

    All that to say that I really appreciate your writing and your humor about both the great and crappy experiences in life. I hope things start looking up – for both of us.

    PS Your husband was awesome on Top Chef Masters!

  19. Becky, you are so right: why can’t we just be nicer to each other?

    My husband was laid off 8 months ago, still no job prospects in sight.

    What would be nice to hear in my neighborhood right now, rather than the looks and whisperings, is to have someone come right out and say, “Sorry to hear what’s happening to you. Can I treat you to a glass of wine” or “Why don’t you come over, and we’ll sit over coffee and muffins, and relax for awhile?”

    Now, wouldn’t that be the nicer thing to do, rather than whisper, and nod in our house’s direction???

  20. Lynne, Jenny thank you! I love “meeting ” people who get it.
    We got to stay flexible as we don’t know what will happen. oh well.
    Jenny, that’s a drag. and such BS that banks help you. THey won’t even speak to you.

    Alexandra, that’s what I was trying to express. It that’s thing that people are afraid they are going to catch. People who do reach out are special people. I need to be more like them!

  21. I’m sorry Daphne, but here I go….

    Dear Andrea & Marisa,
    You suck.
    Daphne was NOT talking about you… what you have or don’t. Your narcissism is glaring.
    She was opening up, showing a vulnerability and you kicked her while she was down. Why ever would you think to do that? The things you said were mean spirited. Get it? The fact that you didn’t recognize the need to apologize is even more shameful. For goodness sake. You should know better.
    Let this be a lesson for you both to look OUTWARD instead of INWARD. This is not a contest for who has it worse. Seriously. You can do better next time. And if not, then leave your crabby ass comments off her blog.

    MomE.

  22. Alexandra,
    i totally understand. Until recently, I was in the same situation. Husband laid off, girlfiriends calling to see if I wanted to hit the mall. Um, I’d love to hit the mall, but it’s not really the time when you have no $$.

    Anyway, would you be at all interested/comforted by venting and sharing your experiences on a blog for “laid off spouses”? I started it when my hubby was laid off and it really did make me feel better. You can email me at heatheramayfield@hotmail.com for a link to the site or to chat.

  23. Yea MomE…and all the other posts in support of Daphne! One of my pet peeves is the way our society seems to have turned life into a competition of “My life’s more miserable than your life, therefore I’m a more worthwhile person than you!” Where did all this craziness come from?

    I’m glad you posted that vlog…it made me realize how important it is to speak up and say something supportive to someone who’s going through a rough time no matter how awkward you might feel or how inadequate you think your words are going to be. There’s never anything inadequate about kindness. Keep on keepin’ on Daphne….you’re a good lady!

  24. Hey Andrea,

    Imagine tomorrow you go to the bank only to find that 50% of your money has been wiped out, gone, disappeared, and you will not get it back. Now imagine selling your $200,000 condo, because of it ,for a $100,000 home that is half the size. That would suck wouldn’t it? This little exercise is called walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. Try it on for size.

  25. Sorry, but I have to say this – MomE. bite me. Seriously. If Daphne didn’t want discussion on her blog then she wouldn’t have open comments and perhaps would have them monitored before they posted.

    Plus, NOTHING I said was as offensive as what YOU posted above about Andrea and me.

  26. Oh Marisa,
    You don’t get it.
    I hope that people are more kind to you when life knocks you or someone you love down.
    I’m not going to comment any further.
    Sweet dreams, dear.
    MomE

  27. Sorry Marisa, the kind of personal judgement is NOT what I want. Again ( for the umpteenth time) I vent and express on my blog in order to connect with others and to aid in supportive discussions… the way Heather reached out to Alexandra, that’s what I’ve been after. I want to set up a forum..if I can figure out how to do it. Trying to find SOME silver lining in all this.

    It would be easier for me to confide in my inner circle and not open myself up to jabs about being like a character from “american beauty” ( that was Rebecca, not you), but you get the point.

    Eileen, Laura, Caroline thanks for the support. I’m humbled..boy, have I been humbled!

  28. HeathM: I did send an email over. Pls watch for it,b/c I really am in need of talking with those who know. Thanks for the info., can’t wait to hear back from you!!

  29. It doesn’t matter how much money it is – Daphne earned it, worked hard for it and it was stolen! Thats devastating on any scale. I’m so sorry for what happened to you Daphne, and I admire your work ethic, willingness to share, and class in responding to some insensitive people.

  30. Haralduron Se6l Sigga Df6gg, og tedmabe6r grein hje1 fee9r.c9g hef aldrei skilif0 af0 fatlit ef0a fasjvirt skapahe1ra se9 eitthvaf0 sem ledta fearf hornauga, og hvaf0 fee1 af0 reyna af0 safna lif0i vif0 sinn me1lstaf0. Ff3lk hefur sedna skapahe1ratedsku ed flestan tedma fyri sig og sedna nema ed fatalausu fjf6lmenni svo sem ed sundlaugabaf0klefum ef0a e1 nektarstrf6nd. Me9r finnst meira til f3fee6ginda af0 sje1 alls konar pinna og skrautmuni standa fat far skinni e1 ff3lki he9r og fear og jafnvel e1 e6xlunarsve6f0inu. Samt er sje1lfsagt af0 taka feved mef0 jafnaf0argef0i feved hver og einn er jfa sje1lfre1f0(ur) mef0 sinn ledkama.Bestu kvef0jur

  31. Würde ich wie du, noch mit Analogen Material spielen. Dann würde ich mir wohl “The Think” oder soll ich sagen “The Sexist Camerabody Ever”, kaufen, die Minolta 9xi.Damals schweineteuer, heute um wenig Geld am Gebrauchtmarkt zu bekommen, zuschlagen Herr Spiegelberg!Um eure Fototouren beneide ich euch, ich währe da sofort und immer dabei.

  32. I would love to see it. Which Walgreens? I am sitting here and I am searching m y brain to come up with a sophisticated eye to go with my red lip on Christmas day and wishing I had thought to ask you. Can I trade you administrative work for makeup help? The guarantee of free legal services for life? ( Once I get into and finish law school, seriously.) LOL. I swear I am a sane woman.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *