Comments on: Sandwich Generation Part 206

By: Lisa

Lisa — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 06:13:10 +0000

You’re a good daughter Daphne. An interesting thread in your blog, for me, is the question of whether and how much we inconvenience our children. . .I think it is an issue that arises in other contexts, and an attitude that informs a lot of parenting (or lack thereof). A frequent example I see of this relates to parents for whom their kid’s comfort is SO paramount that they will not bend, flex or yield on many grown-up scheduling issues, nor will they intercede when their child is being obnoxious to another child because they do not want their child to “feel bad.” Your situation with an unhappy car camper is different because of Rex’ tender age…and it’s a tougher call. I tend to agree with you about the greater good analysis (ie, “he’ll forget the 1/2 hour ride, but the people whose lives he’ll touch might not). Tougher question, for me, is whether you take a Vivian aged child and force the discomfort for the greater good, or whether you end up with a surly and resentful pre-adolescent if you do? Don’t know, but know that these are the questions that keep parenting interesting.

By: Sadie

Sadie — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 17:37:48 +0000

The joy in your dad’s face is just wonderful to see in that photo

By: Daphne

Daphne — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 05:33:26 +0000

oh, you all make me want to get in the car and drive over there tomorrow.
Alexandra, I really appreciate the point about the staff paying more attention. Makes sense, but I had thought that through. Although I did recently complain about a few things and they seem to be being addressed.

Joelle, at least your grandmother wasn’t in denial.

By: Becky

Becky — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 02:12:01 +0000

My sister works at a nursing home, and she brings her kids in to the home once in a while (on her own time) to see the residents. They LOVE having the little kids around, and I agree with previous comments that it’s important for kids to be exposed to that kind of stuff. It might be uncomfortable at times, but that’s an important lesson for kids to learn too. And the joy you are bringing to those residents is so worth it!

By: Joelle

Joelle — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 20:54:54 +0000

When my grandmother realized something was wrong with her (wasn’t diagnosed with Alzheimers for another 4 years), she up and moved her and my grandfather across the country. She had forgotten she was babysitting me and gone on with her farm chores for hours. I had a lovely time playing Barbie dolls in the living room until my mother turned up. I was 3.

Moving away was an overreaction, but an understandable one. We never visited them, because they were so far away, and I think that was hard on them.

Part of visiting to a nursing home or assisted living facility is understanding, as a child, that not everyone lives in a home like you do. Some people live in fancy houses, some people live in tiny apartments, some people live in RVs, and some people live where they can be taken care of. It’s not as fun as your house, maybe the people smell bad or pinch your cheeks or don’t get your name right…but they are people and you learn to be polite them. Visiting the nursing home can be as educational as going to the zoo or the park…maybe not as much fun…but I wish we’d gone. Instead, I thought that old people were banished to Arizona when they weren’t fun anymore.

By: Alexandra

Alexandra — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 18:33:52 +0000

Oh, just forgot what I had truly wanted to say: the truth of this is that patients/residents who get visits get treated better b/c staff knows someone will be checking, and will be vocal if things are not up to par.

That was the main reason I had originally commented: to say that those that get visits, get care. I worked in a nursing home while in high school, and I saw this from the staff, not all the staff, but some of the staff. They’d say, “we’d better clean her up, or whatever, b/c her family comes every Sunday…blah blah blah.” The truth, I sadly heard it.

By: MissM

MissM — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 18:13:04 +0000

Luckily I don’t have to take my kids to see my parents (they are young and well), but I do have to take them to see my grandparents. My daughter has lived to see both of her great grandmothers pass away (not the actual act, but the deterioration) but she also got to see them live! That is something my baby son will never get to see…

By: Daphne

Daphne — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 16:27:33 +0000

all good advice. He is the head of his class where he lives, so we ( rest of family) like to provide some more warmth and chat stimulation.
I like the bit about “sometimes it’s uncomfortable..” It’s certainly more enjoyable for all when we bring my dad to my home or one of my sister’s, but that’s more logistics.
I still remember when we first placed him there the admission guy said, “now, a lot of people never visit their parents, are you going to do that?” I do not want to join that club.

By: Alexandra

Alexandra — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:08:08 +0000

That’s a tough one…my mom is, sadly, in early Alzheimer’s. We saw her as much as we could when she was in a pretty good mental state, but since she has declined, we don’t so much any more. There’s not a lot of joy there for the kids, I tell them we go for her, not them. And they get that: it’s a sacrifice, and I hope they do the same for me, (SCAREY THOUGHT…Yuk!)

Anyway, I try to teach them that sometimes it’s uncomfortable helping others, but we do it. I hope that thought stays.

I am glad we saw her A LOT when she was with it, b/c now she doesn’t know what is going on. But the kids have the good memories of seeing her when she was still a joy. So,in retrospect, I’m glad I did the scheduling nightmares, the inconvenience..b/c they have good memories of that time with her.

I say, do it while you can…as inconvenient and as time consuming as it its, b/c they do slip away quickly. Sorry you’re in this dilemma: I know what it feels like. Not a pleasant topic.

By: Renee

Renee — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 14:58:51 +0000

Thankfully, I do not face this in my daily life yet, so my opinion may be null and void. I’ll share my thoughts anyway

I think it’s important to take the kids to see people in nursing homes and hospitals (as long as their health isn’t in jeopardy by doing so) because it’s good for the people you are visiting. It may be uncomfortable (I get physically ill when I go to nursing homes or to the ICU parts of hospitals), but even the youngest children can see the impact of someone smiling at them. I also think it is important to get a lot of pictures with the person you are visiting. That way when the children are older and asking about grandpa or grandma or auntie, you can say. “Here is a picture of the two of you, he loved you very much.” If you don’t take them to visit, and if you don’t take pictures, they are going to be upset. They are going to feel like they were never given the opportunity to meet their relatives and bond with them. They may not like it now, but when they are older it will mean a lot to them especially if their friends have really close relationships with their relatives.

It makes scheduling a nightmare, but to make it easier I would take your husband or a friend. This will allow the children to visit briefly with grandpa. Once the kids get squirmy, friend or husband can take them out for a walk or to get a snack while you finish your visit.

By: Amy

Amy — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 12:59:33 +0000

You know, my kids won’t remember the outings that we do now (when they’re 4 and 2) when they’re adults. But that doesn’t stop me from taking them to the park, the zoo, etc. It seems to me that the remembering isn’t what makes it valuable. If your father enjoys your visits, then you should visit as often as you can.

It doesn’t matter if his mind remembers – his heart does.