one of my favorite parts of my weekend is reading Modern Love in the NY Times Style section on Sunday. They are well written essays about all kinds of relationships. This past Sunday was no exception. But, while it was well written, it has really disturbed me. Pleaseread it and tell me what you think. In short, a woman had a boyfriend who died leaving an orphaned 8 year old girl. The writer didn’t really like the girl. Eventually an aunt and uncle took her in, but after a whopping 5 days decided they would turn her out. This child went to foster care and then was adopted.
The end of the essay the writer is musing on what her life would have been like had she decided to mother this orphan. I’m thinking, who cares about you lady?
I would not put my niece and nephew up for foster care. I am the god mother to my best friend’s child and if, God forbid, something happens to her parents, it’s all written down that I will take her. I’m sure a child in that position would be difficult: their parents have just dropped dead.
This theme was brought up a while ago when that lady returned her adopted Russian son. But, why do people think children are like a belt from Nordstroms?
My mother told me the essay depressed her as well. But, she has known kids (she runs a high school) who have had their families give up on them. I get it, they are inconvenient. So what?
To answer the question…you don’t. Period.
@BeingSuper
I read the essay last weekend and thought it was very honest and heartwrenching. From what I could tell, the girl in question had some serious mental health issues. It sounded like she was violent and threatening the safety of the family. And it wasn’t entirely the woman’s choice not to take her — the biological family didn’t think she was capable of taking care of the girl, and she probably wasn’t. While I think foster care is a last resort, and not a good one, it’s hard to judge without knowing all of the facts — and the people involved. I didn’t think she was acting selfishly as much as the situation was just an incredibly difficult one on all sides.
As for the woman who sent her adopted child back to Russia — I do not think that was an optimal outcome, but I do know that children adopted from Eastern Europe can have some SERIOUS emotional and psychological issues (often due to excessive alcohol use by the mother while pregnant and/or substandard conditions in the orphanages in which they are raised — and the older the child is when adopted, the less likely it is that these issues can ever be resolved). And in that case, it sounded like the adoptive mother/family had not been prepared for the situation (information is often unavailable or withheld by the orphanages and adoption agencies) and did not have any local support to cope with their child’s extreme behavior. Frankly, if I thought my and my family’s safety was in jeopardy, I would not keep a troubled child (adoptive or biological) in my home. I would find a therapeutic home where s/he could be cared for by professionals. Not an ideal situation, but you can’t put your other children or yourself at risk.
When I was growing up, a family in the neighborhood adopted a girl from Vietnam. When she was around 10 years old, she became extremely violent — attacking her siblings and parents (once with a knife) and setting multiple fires in her home. She wanted to kill her family. She had to go to a treatment center and was never able to return to her adoptive family. It was a tragedy for everyone involved.
I am certainly not trying to justify bad decision-making, but I do think it’s important to see all sides of the situation. These are not children throwing a few tantrums or behaving badly. These are children with serious and lifelong behavioral issues who require professional intervention and who even then may not be able to integrate into normal family life.
As a young child in a single-parent household, my mother often told my 4 siblings and I that she could not handle us, and would turn us over to foster care if we didn’t behave. I believe she had very serious mental disorders, and lacked any compasion towards her own biological children. But she struggled through parenthood, despite the threats. I don’t know if I can say we were better off with her. Sometimes, a bad situation cannot be fixed with words, or determination.
I read that piece last weekend too, and was also left feeling sad for that poor little girl, and hoping that she did find a family to love her.
I do agree with Leslie . . . I don’t think that we can judge, because we don’t know the full situation. But that said, and without judgment, it makes me SO sad to think about the children who people do give up on. And I wonder if there is a way to get a very troubled child the help they need – even institutionalization, if that is necessary – without giving up on them, without abandoning them.
I know it’s just a snapshot, but was haunted for the girl and how the point of the of the story seemed different from what the writer had in mind.
Another sticky situation, I was just asked for money from a woman who is clearly a drug user, gaunt, missing teeth. She gave me a total BS line, but she had a young boy with her. Disturbed by what life that poor boy has. Should he be removed? So sad.
WOW. I couldn’t bring it up to my sister & her ex, b/c I didn’t want to mess up what little amicableness (real word? you decide!) they had with one another…but the last time I saw my nephew, I told him…”If something ever happens, and you have to live apart from your parents, please call me, I will come and get you no matter where I am!” He’s almost 13, so he’s not a baby, he knows how life is…his has been rough (abandoned by mom a few times, dad is accused of an unsolved murder from a few years ago, both of them are just very selfish people, etc). I will NEVER EVER change my cellphone number. I will kill someone before I change my cellphone number. That would be the only way for my nephew to reach me. I made him memorize my number. He has had a cellphone a few times when his parents cared…or when one of them is trying to un-guilt themselves from something stupid they’ve done to him.
I am sure if it got to the point where I did take him in, he would be disturbed. He would be hurt & angry. And we would deal with it as a family. We’d have to, I couldn’t let him just be alone.
…That’s not to say I wouldn’t rule out boarding school or something, lol…but I couldn’t just let him be “turned over” to some state home. BTW, in case you’re curious…my mother who loves him dearly wouldn’t have a legal claim to him. She was married to my sister’s father for a while, but the girl is technically her step-daughter. By law, I am his next closest relative.
yeah, and grandparents don’t have much rights any way. Sounds like a rough situation. Great you are there for him.
So many sad stories, and I feel sorry for all these children that just began as somebody’s baby.
So sad.
I can see how you feel about the point of this piece being lost. I feel like the little girl’s wild behavior is pointed out, but not given credibility for being grief stricken behavior of a child who obviously has no clue what to do with those emotions. Yes, this is just a snapshot. Yes, there was, in all likelihood more to it than was in the article. But I’d probably have exhausted every possibility BEFORE doing anything that drastic. And even then, do you think that foster care is going to HELP the situation?
I’d love to read the girl (now grown woman’s) perspective. In my opinion the girlfriend did not have it in her to rearrange her priorities to take on the selfless act of adopting, parenting and nurturing this young girl. I don’t fault her for it but sure would have rather read that she had. I’m sure there are instances of people who have made those type of sacrifices.