July 19, 2010
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Are you having another baby?
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I tried a month without camp, wait, a week without camp. Caught between the feelings of not wanting Vivien to be overscheduled during the summer, saving money and on the other hand needing her to be a tad more occupied. Especially with this heat wave, I've been getting cranky.
"Put on your shoes"
Vivien, "You don't have to get mean about it."
"But, I asked you 3 times and I am hot and cranky!!" Slight whimper.
So this week we are trying a different camp. One that is so cheap that if she doesn't want to go one day I won't –as we use to say in the 70's–have a cow.
Okay, here is a Cool Mom which I think plays more like a Momversation. Note: I'm also guilty of asking this question sometimes, but that doesn't mean it's right.
I don't necessarily get offended, but I do think it's a rude line of questioning. We went through 4 IVFs to conceive our twins and when that was going on, I would almost burst into tears when people asked me "when are you going to have a baby?" One of the big lessons I learned from going through infertility was, don't ask anyone about their fertility status. Ever. If they bring it up, I am happy to pursue the topic, and I am quite open about my experience (obviously). You just never know who is in pain with respect to pregnancy/miscarriage, and I don't want to be the one to trigger sad feelings or bad memories. I wish more people understood the enormous pain of infertility and would respect people's privacy. Thanks for posting this — and yes, you should suggest this topic to Momversation!
PS I am like you in that there is no chance in hell I will be having more. Two is plenty, thank you very much. Maybe if I was, oh, 10 years younger and could wait another few years before dealing with another infant…..no, not even that would motivate me to go through pregnancy and post-partum again….
I think it's a stupid question. People were asking me as I'm LEAVING THE HOSPITAL when we'll have another…or give the baby a brother or sister. WOW, let the stitches heal, okay??
"Are you guys having any more?"
Maybe…can I borrow your uterus?
yes, well put! I don't say think I have asked it in awhile, but I'm pretty sure I have. duh.
I saw someone grilling someone I know about why she didn't have more kids ( she had one) and all of her polite responses like "we feel blessed with our daughter" etc kept getting steamrolled by this older relative. I knew she had tried to have another and couldn't and I wanted to yell at the guy, "shut up. if you are so into people having more kids go start a fund to pay for their school." catch a clue.
I don't mind when people ask me, but I don't feel comfortable asking other people. It's too personal for casual convo.
Leslie brings up a good point. I haven't been bothered by the question in the past but I've never given a damn if people like the answer I give them or not either
I'm pregnant with my second right now… my first is starting the terrible two's and I think I'll be completely screwed once #2 arrives. I'd be insane to have more.
I've not really been bothered by it because we've made it very clear to our friends and family that we're definitely having more. But what bugged me was my mother-in-law telling my son (as he was nursing) that he should wean so mommy could have another baby. (Little did she know I was expecting at the time). I do think it's a rude line of questioning. I've asked close friends this. Friends who I know are sitting on the fence about it. I have also asked people who I don't know extremely well but I realize that fertility is sometimes the reason. I'll ask "so do you think you're going ot have more" "No" "Well she's just so amazing, you guys are very blessed." Or maybe they say "we're not sure" "Well there's not rush in making any decisions." So I think that yes, it's a personal question, but you can ask it for different reasons and respond in different ways.
As for the regularity… I'm pregnant with number two so some of you know how that goes lol! I'm jealous of my toddler's regularity!
And Amy, it's not the terrible twos, I call it the Terrific Twos. It is so much fun watching them grow up and become more indepenent. And with them being two or more years apart, the older one will be a great helper, "Can you get mommy a glass of water?" or "Can you get mommy a rag?" It's all about perspective
You're right, Tessa. It is all about perspective. I just haven't adjusted yet to her swings or know how to effectively handle them since it feels like she's changed overnight. I do know however that if I asked her to get me some water or a rag at this moment in time that she would say, "Nooo!" and then claim that the water is "Mine!" We will all have adjusted soon but in the meantime, I'm not thinking about having more than two kids
Daphne! Know why I come here? I LIKE YOU!
Oh, you are great on video.
It is the same thing when people are out of work.
My husband was looking for work for a year and people WOULD ACTUALLY ASK ME: "How are you paying your bills?"
Say what, people?
Put a sock in it (as they used to say when they'd say "have a cow")
yes, it's surprising. what did you say? jeepers.
it's great if you can have a glass half full attitude. Not always possible for me. Amy, refer to my vid about them seeming like OCD cases. though I can't find it to give you the link. oh well. I feel yeah!
I get kind of irritated when I'm asked that question. It used to be because I *just* had my son and was nowhere near thinking about having another. And now it's because currently the hubbs and I are in negotiations about when might be a good time to have another one (me: NOW, him: in like 10 years). So, it is so intensely personal and I have no idea how to answer it. I have always equated it to being asked, "Are you having sex with your husband?" No one would ever think that's an appropriate question (well aside from like, your best girlfriend or something), so why on earth would it be appropriate to ask me if I'm going to produce another child?
Abso-bloody-lutely agree with you on this!!! MAN, I HATE being asked this question! I have even prepared an answer for an upcoming family reunion (where this question is bound to fly) and if asked I will reply 'Yes, we are having sex quite regularly but no, we do not wish to be bothered by another pregnancy or baby any time soon 'cos that will just ruin the fun'. I will keep you updated on whether I actually use it… Pregnancy is indeed a BODILY FUNCTION (well put!) and there is a limited circle of people I care to share info on it with.
sometimes people just don't know what to say to a new mom - including moms, themselves!! we're so fragile in the early phases and it makes people feel uncomfortable. so they take the canned/cliche questions and fire away.
it's ridiculous to ask a woman who's recently gone through labor if she wants another. even, reckless, i'd say. in my case, every time someone asked me that question within the 1st 2 weeks of giving birth, my uterus would twitch and cramp, and i almost wanted to cry.
really, it's like asking someone what they want for lunch after just bellying up on a massive breakfast. your tank is full and you're not in a place to even think about the next go 'round. but hey?! let's just add this topic to the ever growing list of obnoxious questions people ask us!
lol!!
eileen.
I'm constantly asked if my pregnancy was "planned"! Probably because we were not married at the time, and we did the quick legal stuff shortly after we found out and plan a big wedding after the birth, but I'm like, WHO THE HELL DO THEY THINK THEY ARE! ?? They might as well say… so that big old 8 month pregnant belly of yours was a bit of a mistake huh!?? Oh, well better make the best of it!
Truly it was not planned, but hey isn't that MORE of a reason not to ask?