Dear Kate and Wills,

I am so sorry I am not going to be able to cross the pond to celebrate your special day. I had been shopping for the right hat and eye job, but then Mark (my commoner husband) reminded me that the movers are coming the day before, and your actual wedding day is the day the second wave of movers come with the stuff from our two storage lockers, rooms… not sure what they are called. What do you call them, Wills? Three-bedroom homes? Anyway, I have forgotten what most of my possessions look like so I thought I should greet them. Also, Rex is not up for plane travel at all and it would cost a lot in babysitting if I went without the kids. Oh, how I do run on!

Look, I think you two make a really lovely couple. Kate, you are perfect looking and will do so much for brunettes. Maybe if you had been around when I was younger I wouldn’t have been as horrified in my blonde-to-brown teen years. Though, even in my teen years I never had such a rocking little bod as you do.

Wills, you know how much I have cared for you and admire the man you have become. I know your mother is so proud of you and is looking down at you with a big smile. She would like you both to be a tad less chummy with Camilla though. Yes, sure, be polite, but give Diana a wink every now and then that lets her know you are really just humoring the home-wrecker.

I cried my eyes out when HRH Diana was taken so young. I hope you know, Wills, that we all — three billion of us — were giving a big hug to you and Harry from afar.

I do hope the day is what you want it to be.

I do hope you two have as charmed life as any attractive, healthy, rich people can have. Why not? Be happy!

I do hope your day is not marred too much by my absence.

Oh, where are you registered?

xo Daphne