Handing your kids over to their Father!

So ironic that this episode should post today.

Last night I went to a financial seminar.  Not setting my hair on fire, but listening to an economist.  Here I was taking notes for my dear husband who was home with the kids.  It was an engaging little lecture about how the European financial issues are playing out and how they could affect us in the US ( in summary, if it were 14 years ago, a lot, but we have a lot of different trading partners, so not so much).  Also, the economist said something about the bogus term “Fiscal cliff” to which I blurted out, “I just blogged about this!”.

Anyway, since Mark is now home at night for the first time in our entire marriage I knew I had to school him about our routines.I didn’t know I had to worry about him being a man child.

Yes, this video is about when you go out of town or out ON the town and leave the kids with the old man.  But, lately I’ve gone out twice for two hours and it was LORD OF THE FLIES when I got back.

I got home..9:00pm All lights are on in the house blazing, “Ghostbusters” is an hour in, Rex is sitting naked next to Mark on the couch, Vivien still in her day clothes.  They are all laughing.  No bath, no teeth brushed.

Me: “What the hell?”  I turn the movie off.  I scold my husband.  It’s a school night, you played a movie the other night, I told you, movies are for weekends only, blah blah.  Yes, I sound like a harpy, but a harpy in the right.

“Do I have to get a sitter for you too?”  He just looked kind of sheepish.  As I got Vivien in her nightgown she was trying to take the heat for her dad.  While I could hear him throwing Rex on the bed and laughing.  Sure, it’s great he is a nice father, but time to calm the toddler down now.  He should go to bed before midnight!   I was so steamed I didn’t speak to  Mark for the rest of the night.  Granted the rest of my night was reading three stories to Rex and falling asleep with him, but there you have it.   I should have watched THIS video before I went out.

This ensures I will never get divorced because if I do my kids will be up all night eating donuts on nights with dad.

Apparently, corporate bonds and big muni bonds are still good.

 

Fiscal Cliff that is not

I have been thinking this, but didn’t take fingers to keyboard to hammer this out. Fortunately, one of my favorite bloggers did.  Pundit Mom, Joanne Bamberger wrote THIS (click the “this”) great piece for Huff Po which says what I’ve been Muttering to myself. “IT”S NOT A FISCAL CLIFF”.

#1 the media are such sheep they keep repeating the same buzz word like it’s the gospel.  #2 One could say we went off the Fiscal cliff back when W was president and he raised spending and lowered taxes, wiping out the surplus Clinton had managed.

#3 One could also say that the love affair with the military industrial complex and the soaring entitlements are it’s own fiscal cliff which started decades ago.

#4 Hasn’t the tea party been saying we need to get the fiscal house in order?  Aren’t these triggers a step in the direction we have been talking about?

I will jump off a virtual cliff if I hear this phrase one more time.

Speaking of getting your house in order.  Behold one of our recent projects.  Toys in closet.

Now with Mark coming home it was time to house his extensive cookbook collection.  Voila.

Finally, I have something to show for this year

 

 

how to talk with your teenager

Another exciting episode of my — I think– funny web series I did with Cafemom studios. This one is features my dear stepson Oliver.  He is not an actor by nature, but he was a good sport– and I paid him– to take part in this spoof of my pathetic attempts to be the B parent I can be.

NOTE:  the dub of him saying “mom” at the Dodger game was added in a later edit.  Not his voice, nor would he ever say that to me. He has a mom.  I’m always Daphne.  Or “stepmommy dearest”, maybe.  I think they needed to do that since I shot that part myself and the sound and picture were not optimum.

Not Funny Mom

Vivien was in a mood.  Cranky, sad, but we had to get to school.  I was sure it was because she had stayed up too late the night before because we had family over for Mark’s birthday.  

I drove the kids to school as I tried to respect Vivien’s feelings, but also gently remind her that this wasn’t the “worst day in the world.”

“Sweetie, you woke up in your pretty room in your nice house surrounded by your loving family, right?”

“yes”

“I told you there is a cupcake left over that you can have when you come home, right?”

“Yes”  But, I wasn’t getting much headway, she was still moping.

Then 3. 8 month old Rex said, “Mommy, maybe Vivien would feel better if we told her a joke.”

Great idea Rex.  Oh, my comic heart swelled with pride.  Then Rex told his knock, knock joke.

“Knock, Knock”
“whose there?” Vivien mumbled

“Chicken”

“Chicken cow” Rex smiled.  I guffawed on cue, because made up on the spot knock knock jokes rarely are funny, but I want to encourage them so I was slapping my knee.

“That wasn’t funny.” Vivien scowled.

He tried again.  “Knock, Knock”

“Whose there?”

“Turkey”

“Turkey who?”

I wasn’t thinking, I blurted out a punch line.

“Turkey Lurky, and we are going to eat you!.”  Totally lame, but it cracked Vivien up.

Rex started crying.  Vivien was now smiling, and I was the asshole comic who had to top the other comic in the room.

after a recent show, when my timing was better

“That was my joke, that was NOT funny mommy.” Rex said through tears. The rest of the drive to school was filled with him yelling and crying.  Vivien and I were trying to console him now.  NOT working. You know those all too numerous times you are driving around with a screaming child in your car and you are powerless to stop it?  That’s what I had on my hands.  It was my fault to boot.

I dropped her off and suggested what would make me feel better: food.

“Rex, want to go with me to buy bagels at the bagel store?” He nodded.  When we parked he unbuckled and stood in the car doorway pouting.

” I wanted my joke to make Vivien feel better, but it was your joke that did.  I’m sad.”

“Rex I am so sorry.  I should not have stepped on your line.  I’m so sorry.  But, it was your idea to tell her a joke and that DID help her feel better, so you did it.  You made her feel better.”

“But, you made the laugh.”

“Comics are terrible people. I’m sorry.”  Then we got bagels holding hands and he got a fruit cup from another store.  We were okay.

I’m proud of Rex that he wanted to make Vivien feel better and thought, like his mom, that humor is the way to healing.  I’m proud of him that he articulated his feelings to me. He is finding his way.  I just need to keep my mouth shut.

How to do a Great Thanksgiving

Just in time for the holidays!  tips you can use.  My latest vid with Cafe Mom  is all about having a great thanksgiving.  We didn’t even get to my Turkey Trot Trivia with desert!

Don’t stress, here is how to have a fun Thanksgiving!

if I was in Ireland I would be dead

sorry not funny this one…

A few years ago if I was in Ireland I would have died.

I would have never went on to have Rex.  My daughter would be raised without a mother.

My husband would be a widower.

When I was about 16 weeks pregnant when I miscarried.  The woman in Ireland who died had miscarried at 17 weeks. The first couple of days I didn’t feel that different physically.  Emotionally I was a wreck. The baby to be was a little girl.  They had said she was healthy.  I had made a long list of names. We had told my stepchildren about her.

Guided by denial and bad advice I didn’t immediately get a D and C.  Instead I hemorrhaged in the Ferry Building in San Francisco, in a hotel, in Napa.  I wore 3 adult diapers on the flight back home, after my doctor screamed at me to come home, that were soaked with blood.  I went into a very painful labor.

I was rushed to the ER.  I have NEVER felt that kind of pain.  I was screaming, “please help me, please help me.” as I was put under.  I woke up hours later still screaming for help, but  soon realized the absence of pain in my body.  The absence of the fetus that was going to be my second daughter. I didn’t mourn her at that moment, I was so happy to be free of pain and alive.  I was hooked up to a packet of blood.  I had lost so much blood I was getting transfusions ( thank you nameless people who donated your blood).

I was very weak.  People needed to help me with Vivien.  I was also starting to get very emotional about having lost the baby.

the video I did about the aftermath back in ’08 

However, I was alive.  I lived and because of that Rex lived.

IF I was in Ireland I could have died, or any of the backward countries who put religion, politics, and all the rest disguised misogyny BEFORE the health of a women.

IF you have not yet read the story of this woman  who died in Ireland, please do so now. This is a human rights issue.  The media is making me CRAZY.  They say she was denied an “abortion”.  That is a political term for dilation and curattage.  She had had a miscarriage.  The doctors refused to do a D and C.  This lovely woman could have been like me.  She could have lived. She could have gone on to have a healthy pregnancy.

I’m so glad I live in America.  I’m so glad that we have an awareness of not letting religion dominate our laws.  Have the Anti Choice brigade made inroads to limit reproductive freedom here like in Kansas?  Yes, sadly they have.  It’s up to us to make sure that it doesn’t go further.

A doctor should do what he needs to do in order to save his patient.  Not to please a deity.

 

Message to Expectant moms

I just got word that a dear friend is having her first baby.  I wanted to send her the link to my wildly popular video about what being a NEW mom is really like, but it didn’t make the move from the old site.  So, I’m posting it again.

You can get a new mom swaddling blankets and Boppys.  I’m giving her the TRUTH.

Tell me what I LEFT out.

kids rebel against mom blogger (sponsored)

that’s the headline that will be coming soon.  Sure, I put everything up online from my muffintop, my shingle blisters, my butt crack.  But, my kids are on to me.  When I told Vivien I wanted to shoot her taking me on a tour of her Campanile she agreed with a caveat, “it’s only for our family mom.” That kid is hip to online privacy.

NO more pictures, we are not amused.

Drats, it would have been a great vid to post.  Let’s face it, absence of my kids 80% of my funniest videos would not provoke a chuckle.  Without my kids how can I be mom vlogger/blogger?  I could be a blogger/vlogger who is hostile towards her cats, really what else is going on around here?  ( btw cat lovers, remember these cats were foisted on me and one of them is truly nuts, and my daughter and I are allergic.) With out their funny lines, or approaches to life how would I be inspired?

That’s why this video cracked me up. Shows how modern parents will hang their kids out to dry if it will get hits on youtube.   It’s for Ragu, but not a salesy video. Seems more like an ad you’d see in Europe. Love when corporate America risks having some humor. ( It’s the not the one of the kid walking in on his parents)

 

Me and My Shingles

Lesson for moms out there… we can’t put ourselves last.  That’s my take away.  I have been consumed with the last month of Campanile.  Emotional saying farewell to regulars, staff, people who held my children when they were babies.  The place where I met my husband.  Consumed with taking care of my husband who had to close the door on a business he birthed and nurtured for most of his adult life.  Consumed with making sure my children were not upset.  That they could say good bye, but emphasizing our core is our family.  No matter where we work or live, as long as we are together we are solid.

But, I neglected me.  I virtually stopped doing my yoga which keeps me sane.  I wasn’t taking long walks. Also, since I don’t want to cry in front of my kids, when do I let the tears flow?  A couple times I sniffled with total strangers for a sec.  But, I never had a good cry over it.  My body rebelled.  I got terrible back pain.. and then Shingles.  Now instead of being at the bar with Felix and Nick. Or talking about old movies with Garrison I hang out with Shingles.

Now instead of getting Fries after school with Vivien.  I eat with Shingles.

Now, instead of putting on make up and meeting friends at Camp, I stay in my nightgown with Shingles.

So, if you have never had it, here is the deal:  IF you ever had chicken pox (  I did when I was 2 or 3) it lives in your spine..forever.  If you get stressed and your immune system takes a dive it comes out through your spine and takes a trip on your body.  There are few paths it travels. For me it was out of my lower spine, down around my left waist to my belly button and then down toward my c section scar.  It’s red, it blisters.  At best it feels like a sunburn.  At worst there are shooting pains that go up my back and down my legs. I can’t lie on my left side.  I beg my kids to not hug me around the waist.

I had the pain a week before the rash appeared.  I had gone to a chiropractor for my bad back and he said I might have a hernia.  Two days later I went back.  “My back is better, but look.”  I showed him some red smudges.

“You have shingles.” he said.  That afternoon I went to my GP.  He concurred.  I like getting my back adjusted, but sometimes chiropractors and their alternative, no vaccine, blah, blah ways can bug.  In this case he was in sync with my MD.  This was brought on by stress.

In addition to the closing we also have a relative who has an addiction issue.  I can’t say more except it makes me CRAZY. Breathe.  Trying to distance myself for the time being.  Shingles is a companion, because when I have any stress, even a door slamming, I feel it in my body in the normal way and then it shoots through the path of the rash on a speed train of pain. Bonus stress!

Doctors said I should meditate.  I took that to mean, go to bed and watch home remodeling shows.  Thank goodness my husband is home now.  He has been a big help.

I caught it early enough so I can tell it’s clearing.  I feel for people with chronic conditions that cause them pain.  Because if I have to I can rally, and look fine, but it’s tough and it’s draining. I’m jacked up on meds.  Which I blame for getting the times wrong for soccer.  Kind of bad the coach shows up half way through the game.  I flashed the parents my red waist, “Sorry, I have shingles!”

So, everyone… take care of yourself. Really.

I still need to cry.

Drama of the Morning dash!

I’ve been quiet the last few days since 1) did stand up for the first time in a while– really fun.  Met some HILARIOUS women.  2) the stress of the restaurant closing and dealing with an addiction issue in my families has caused me to have the MOST debilitating back problems I’ve ever had AND I got shingles.  I’m about to dash to the 2nd doctors appointment of the day, but I know I needed a chuckle, maybe you do to.  Here is the lates episode that I did with cafe mom studios.  Please share!  I have two words for it: Fun- ny.