Danger of Online Porn

I’m not sure why a porn company sent a mom blogger this press release.  I found it amusing in parts.  Congrats, District of Columbia, you are the biggest watchers of online porn!  Maybe you shouldn’t get state hood, you big pervs.

As I looked over the “data” it appears that “MILF” is the #3 most watched type of porn.  I really should just vlog topless, then maybe I would actually make some money off this thing.

What was DISTURBING was the number one most watched type of porn is “Teen”.  This brings up an issue a friend of mine who is a counselor told me recently.  That because of the internet young men are more messed sexually than ever.  They see so much porn at a young age that they expect their girlfriends to be freaky deaky.  The guys are desensitized to “vanilla” sex and intimacy.  She has women 18 to 20 crying saying their boyfriends expect them to behave like the online porn performers.

Oh, for the halcyon days of the peep show. When one had to make a little effort to consume porn.

My friend said the guys wake up before their parents and watch the porn, clear the browser so it goes unnoticed.

Will males always dig porn? Sure, yeah.  But, I would like to think of ways to restrict access for my kids so one day Rex isn’t making his girlfriend cry ( Vivien is never leaving my side). I want my kids to have healthy, loving relationships… when they are 39.

Top 5 Most Popular Categories of 2012:

  1. Teen
  2. Lesbian
  3. MILF
  4. Amateur
  5. Ebony


Not Funny Mom

Vivien was in a mood.  Cranky, sad, but we had to get to school.  I was sure it was because she had stayed up too late the night before because we had family over for Mark’s birthday.  

I drove the kids to school as I tried to respect Vivien’s feelings, but also gently remind her that this wasn’t the “worst day in the world.”

“Sweetie, you woke up in your pretty room in your nice house surrounded by your loving family, right?”


“I told you there is a cupcake left over that you can have when you come home, right?”

“Yes”  But, I wasn’t getting much headway, she was still moping.

Then 3. 8 month old Rex said, “Mommy, maybe Vivien would feel better if we told her a joke.”

Great idea Rex.  Oh, my comic heart swelled with pride.  Then Rex told his knock, knock joke.

“Knock, Knock”
“whose there?” Vivien mumbled


“Chicken cow” Rex smiled.  I guffawed on cue, because made up on the spot knock knock jokes rarely are funny, but I want to encourage them so I was slapping my knee.

“That wasn’t funny.” Vivien scowled.

He tried again.  “Knock, Knock”

“Whose there?”


“Turkey who?”

I wasn’t thinking, I blurted out a punch line.

“Turkey Lurky, and we are going to eat you!.”  Totally lame, but it cracked Vivien up.

Rex started crying.  Vivien was now smiling, and I was the asshole comic who had to top the other comic in the room.

after a recent show, when my timing was better

“That was my joke, that was NOT funny mommy.” Rex said through tears. The rest of the drive to school was filled with him yelling and crying.  Vivien and I were trying to console him now.  NOT working. You know those all too numerous times you are driving around with a screaming child in your car and you are powerless to stop it?  That’s what I had on my hands.  It was my fault to boot.

I dropped her off and suggested what would make me feel better: food.

“Rex, want to go with me to buy bagels at the bagel store?” He nodded.  When we parked he unbuckled and stood in the car doorway pouting.

” I wanted my joke to make Vivien feel better, but it was your joke that did.  I’m sad.”

“Rex I am so sorry.  I should not have stepped on your line.  I’m so sorry.  But, it was your idea to tell her a joke and that DID help her feel better, so you did it.  You made her feel better.”

“But, you made the laugh.”

“Comics are terrible people. I’m sorry.”  Then we got bagels holding hands and he got a fruit cup from another store.  We were okay.

I’m proud of Rex that he wanted to make Vivien feel better and thought, like his mom, that humor is the way to healing.  I’m proud of him that he articulated his feelings to me. He is finding his way.  I just need to keep my mouth shut.

My kids are NOT sorry

Maybe it’s because the first episode of my new Cafe Mom series is about Dealing with other parents ( see below) or maybe because I had a great time at my son’s preschool today in a book club.  We are reading “The Power of Play” by David Elkind.  Which boils down to this, stop scheduling, turn off the TV and let your kid bang on some rocks.  Whatever the reason, I have a new resolution.

The discussion among the few moms were in the group was that we react in play situations more out of peer pressure than what we believe.  Unless a kid is pounding on another kid with a hammer, we’d rather the kids work it out.
Of the “that’s my bucket” variety.

But, fearing some mom is going to give us a hard time we step in often when we don’t want to.  I got such a surge listening to these other moms I suddenly yelped, “I’m not going to make my kid say ‘sorry’.

Chorus of “Yes” ( in my heart I heard ‘Amen sister’) rang up from the tiny chairs we were seated in the pre school. If they don’t genuinely mean “sorry” it’s all bullshit anyway.

I’m not in junior high, what do I care what that mom at the park thinks of me? And fi I was a mom in junior high, how awkward.  Another mom in our group said, “I’m going to say, ‘If you want to step in, you can, but that’s not how I want to handle it.'”

We decided we would be judged and disliked by some parents, but we were going to try it. I’ll you how it works.

back to school brain


The first day went great.  She loves her teacher.  It was nice to see some parent friends, but I couldn’t settle.  One single mom friend asked “will you be my wing man to find me a husband?”  Normally, I’d be all over that strategy, but I was looking for new cubbies.  “I’m focused on back to school.” In my head I sounded like Arnold in the Terminator  “where is Sarah Connor?”  Then also conincides with the total absences of Dolly.  Dolly is our main baby sitter and does a total wash/scrub/clean of my house every week.  She is with me some nights, but because my husband is gone- always– and I can’t be left alone with these kids. Although I do love going to Campanile for some wine and food and talking to adults.  ANYONE who walks by.  I wanted to be a mom, not a prisoner.  She is gone for a few weeks on a trip.  I have no glass to break in case of emergency.

Oliver has JUST left for college and I find I’m quite sad at his absence.  A little flavor of empty nester while I still have a little kid who vomits in my face.  With second grade comes almost nightly homework.  …ugh, that’s another post.

How is the school season for you?  How long till you get in your groove?  Does it ever kick in? And would you have washed the dress?

lay off the working moms

Enough!  I read about two lines of this story about the new CEO at Yahoo  in the Sunday NY Times before I dropped it back to the breakfast table.  I was irked for myself for thinking, yeah, how is she going to have that baby and have such a high powered job?

MEN HAVE DONE IT FOR YEARS. Does anyone ask if Rupert Murdoch was “there” for his kids?  Bill Gates? Idi Amin? No.

When Rex was born I did not have a high powered exec job, I was hosting a basic cable show about fashion.  But, if I didn’t show up I didn’t get paid.  So, when he was 9 days old I went to work.


After a C section, I couldn’t drive.  My co host Lawrence Zarian drove me and my sister Carole picked me up.  I was exhausted, but I did it.

Enough with the “having it all” line.  What does that mean? Define your terms?  Marriage, baby and work?  Yes, many can have that all.  But, does that mean you aren’t tired, stressed, annoyed with your kids and husband because you are stretched thin? No, sure doesn’t.

Good for Marissa Mayer taking her big time job and popping a kid out.  She will have hired help and maybe her husband is helpful  ( my husband just forgot to pick up our son at school) and she will have to juggle like the rest of us who don’t make millions.

Please one story about “how can a man go back to work right after the birth of a child?”  How does dad balance “having it all”.


Should kids go to Hooters?

Recently a mom friend told me that before an action movie that she was taking her sons to they would eat with friends at Hooters.


“Yeah, some people have a problem with it she said.  But, my kids ( about 7 and 9yrs) like to play the basketball game there and they eat the food.”

“Well, maybe they don’t notice the girls in the tight t shirts.”  I said trying to be knee jerk supportive.   Then I thought of how early guys have told me they began masturbating.  Farrah Fawcett posters, etc.   But, hey, that’s not bad, part of life, right?

Now, I know I wouldn’t take my daughter into a Hooters because I don’t want her to get the message that she should be an ornamental woman.  There are enough messages of that left all over the world for her to see, so I’m not going to accelerate that.

I’m also a food snob, so I would have to be roadtripping for hours, super hungry and have to pee to go into a Hooters solo. Chicken wings, burgers formulaic food is not my bag.

But, would I take a boy in there? NOW ( National Organization for Women for those of you who weren’t brought up going to their rallies as I was) takes issue with Hooter’s catering to kids.  The business model of Hooters, is pretty crass.  Do men and boys like sexy girls?yes.  Should that be stopped?  No.  But, I would very uncomfortable being with my son in that atmosphere.  On Parent Dish I found out that they have Hooter gear for kids! Blech.  A parent who would buy their little girl a Hooters shirt might be a candidate for a visit from child protective services. (Check out this photo from Esquire.  I hesitated to even share, except it was already posted.  My compromise is not putting it here.)  Young boy does not look happy at Hooters.

Okay, sorry, my hippie feminist upbringing that strives to be non judgemental was just trumped by my hippie feminist upbringing side that use to spell women with a “Y”.   I think I would rather take my son to a lesbian, socialist coffeehouse than a Hooters.  Than I’m at least supporting a small business owner.



How a son gets lost

…it’s when I try to have any social life.  When I venture beyond the grocery store, pharmacy, park shuffle of regular routine.  This is when it happens. My husband works a lot and most nights, so my dates are usually a 6 and 3 year old for fun stuff.

Now, I believe in letting my kids feel independent and explore their surroundings without me hovering.  But, that is for our yard. Which is large, so they can feel like they are on a hike in the backyard without a helicopter parent on them.  I allow them to play without KNOWN direct supervision.  They frolic in their imaginary world, I keep the front door open and my computer faces out so I can monitor.  

Much like my dad would “give in” when we wanted to go trick or treating with just our friends.
“Ok have fun”.

We trundled off in the kind of costumes that would now probably go up in flames on the dark residential street.  When we turned around my dad and his friend George ( another dad) would duck behind the car.  We liked the balance of faux independence.

This parenting theory of mine has been GREATLY challenged by my 3 year old boy.  Last week we ran into a friend of Vivien’s from school and her mom at an outdoor mall.  While the mom and I talked  the three kids ran around and around…as in a circle. Suddenly, the circle broke off and in a flash they vanished.  I mean not a trace.  The other mom went in one direction, I in the other.  Time moves very slowly when you can’t find your children in a public place, but I think it was 5 minutes before I saw them again.  She had found them in the The Gap.  The girls listened to us to stay in on the lawn while Rex went charging off again.  I picked him up and got down to his level.

“Rex, you cannot run away so far that  mommy can’t see you.”  He started to laugh.

“It’s not funny” I started to cry, which made Vivien start to cry. ” You can run around me, but not away from me.”  Now I’m consoling Vivien and I’m thinking the other mom thinks I’m a basket case.  Whatever.

Cut, to last weekend.  I have become so incredibly unhip.  So, once in a while if I can be exposed to something cool and current that doesn’t involve a porta potty I’m all over it.

Transmission LA was that occasion.  Our friends who operate the famous Kogi bbqtrucks (delish) were parking their trucks at this art event at the Geffen at the Museum of Contemporary Art.  It was curated by Mike D of the Beastie Boys.  Because we were “on a list”  The kids and I were able to bypass the long line, have tacos in our hand and then sit at the outdoor rainbow dining tables in short order.

not in the mood for a picture

I gorged myself on the food.  Viv ate hers and Rex would not sit down or eat.  But, again I could see him rant around in a space that was free of cars.

Then we went into the exhibit.  It was a big white space with large rooms where one could interact with the art. Ah, perfect for kids!  The colored wheels were my favorite.  I still had to remind them to not touch, but that’s cool.  When we looked at another site with neon posts. I asked Vivien, what do you think the artist is trying to say here? Neither of  us had an answer, but we both dug it.Later, she got it and came up with a theory about the artist’s intent on another exhibit (there were butterflies), but we were all a bit stymied by the cartoon of Popeye by Takeshi Murata being so downtrodden by losing his job, the death of Olive Oyl and Pee Wee that he hung himself and then drown off in a gold car to Rush’s ” Tom Sawyer”. Rex asked, “what is happening to Popeye?” I said, the artist has a comedic ironic take on an icon.  I thought, is Popeye in the public domain? No copyright issues?

Vivien enjoyed the music coordinated with flashes of light over a Mercedes Benz ( yes, they sponsored )  Then we went through a tunnel of light and came in to a room that looked like a cartoon. It was overwhelming to the senses and made us feel like we were in a cartoon. Sidebar, if you ever considered doing psychedelic drugs, skip it and pop into this room. I could see Viv..
He was just here…Now, he was gone.

“Vivien, where is Rex?”  We ran out the door he had gone before.  Not there.  I looked up and down.  I ran to the security guard.  “I’ve lost my son.  He is 3 years old. Grey shirt, dark blonde hair.”  The lady immediately started talking to her counterparts on the radio which made me feel better.  They will find him.  This place is lousy with security.  But, then would if one of these hipsters in a Fu Manchu stache is a bad person.  No one would hear screams in this noisy place.  I ran out thinking, “he would want to go through the tunnel again.  I ran into the neon post room. That security guard didn’t have a radio.

“My son is missing.” I gave a description again and ran with with Vivien trailing.  Down one tunnel, then another.  Pushing people out of the way, “I’m sorry, please let me by my son is missing.” I pleaded.

Then we went into another tunnel of light.

A guy in a blazer, “are you looking for your son?


“He went that way” Pointing into the cartoon room.  I really hoped it was my kid as their were other kids.  We walked out of the tunnel and there was Rex in the middle of the cartoon room starting to cry.  The female security guard who had gotten on the radio was with him.

Vivien and I dropped to the floor and embraced him.  “were you scared Rex?”

“Mommy, where were you?”

“Sweetie, I’m here, please stay by mommy.  Please.  Let’s go home.”

“I don’t want to go home.”

“then you have to hold my hand”

I wish I had riches.  I would have a manny who always trailed him in public places.

The security guard lady had found him running back into the room and had grabbed his hand. “Some man told me ‘don’t treat that child like that.’  I said, His mommy is looking for him.”  She told me this twice so I think she felt a little insecure about her move.

“Thank you for doing that.  You did the right thing. I’m glad you grabbed his hand.”  Nice a stranger is in to kids rights, but you know anarchy stops being cool when people are looting? Sometimes you want the fuzz.

We wondered outside after a little running around more modern art that we didn’t understand.  The DJ Diplo was playing ( briefly thought they meant Duplo the lego like toy, yes, that’s why I need to get out) . Strange things the kids today are doing.  They stand up right by the DJ, like a band.  I thought that odd.  We found my friends and I told them “Rex was missing for 6 minutes.”  Was it?  Was it three, four? I don’t know, too long.   I  thanked them for hipping me up and then exited.

There were porta potties, but I waited till I got home. I had been traumatized enough.

Not that I’m getting one, but I now understand the people with leashes. My daughter was not a bolter.  Rex is.  I still want to take them out and do cool things, but I have to be far more vigilant with this guy.

Hop on mom

Do I stay up at night watching my own videos?  Yes, yes sometimes I do.  Usually to see my kids and marvel at how little they once where.  Look at Rex with his little blonde curls!  In this video I showed how some days I was hi pony mom.


While tough on the knees, it wasn’t so bad.  He was pretty tiny so his weight was easy.  Then he would scamper off of me, give me a carrot and go watch Calliou But, lately his fiscal demands have gotten more intense . No matter where I am, I may be pounced upon any time.  The word “No” doesn’t carry much weight.  My daughter never head butted my pubic bone, but T- Rex ( the T is for Tiger) is different.

Should I carry mace?


Clogged rectum. I had never heard that phrase before..or condition rather, but it is very illustrative. There was a LONG article by doctors about the kiddy constipation epidemic on Huffington Post.
The big causes:

  1. Kid’s fiber free diet. (it’s not just about being overweight anymore!)
  2. Early toilet training

Are there problems with kids who are trained later, yes, but I decided to stop really paying attention to the article after this point was made as it backs up my decision not to push Rex to the toilet. He is 3 years, 2 months.

I have encouraged. I have sad there will be a puppy in his future if he moves to the land of no diapers. I have gone, “oh, lord, can’t wait for you to go to the toilet” once in a while when he has had a particularly gruesome poop. But, mostly I just go with the flow ( so to speak). I know it will happen.

The article also discussed kids holding in their poops for years at school because their bathrooms were gross.
THAT WOULD BE ME. My middle and high school, a public magnet which was treated like an crazy homeless guy who has come into your yard by the LAUSD ( LA school system) had dark bathrooms with countless large divots in the toilet seats. How did they get there? Still a wonder. I never went number two from 8:22am to 3:10 for years.

I feel very lucky to have avoided chronic clogged rectum.

But, I still don’t know my multiplication tables.

Babies are boring

Lets be honest. Babies are boring. Life affirming the object of our undying love and boring. I’m reminded of this when I got a text from a new mom friend. An honest one.
“IM SO BORED”. Yes, she knows she is blessed to have this scrumptious gift, but it’s dull. They can’t talk, play craps, play who would you rather.

That’s why when I meet mother’s who never hire a sitter or don’t have a handy relative to help I think THEY ARE CRAZY AND SHOULD GET THEIR TUBES TIED. Sometimes the monkey needs to roar.

If you have a baby it’s OKAY to think, “This is boring.” Better than thinking that you should be in a constant state of ecstasy and excitement. Better than thinking, is everyone really fulfilled and I’m the bad mom who wants to watch a movie uninterrupted, travel the world or have sex with that guy who I just saw in the parking lot? Normal thoughts.
Play out all you want in your head. Think whatever goofy fantasy or try to steal to the computer to catch a glimpse of an adult conversation.

If POW’s can get through their experience so can you.

You do have to show up for motherhood, but your thoughts are your own. And as you count the delicious little toes and put plastic blocks out for your baby to suck on you think, “I’m so BORED” that’s okay.

Very few moments of motherhood look like this.

me and Viv