what’s a matter with that ladies face?

4 days after surgery

4 days after surgery (photos nicely done by http://www.nylaportraits.com/)

 

 I had an eye job.  Let’s get that straight right from the start. I wasn’t beaten by my husband or in a car accident. I get that you might wince or feel empathetic pain looking at these photos but when they were taken a few days after my surgery I felt fine.  A little tired from the pain meds, but considering I had my face cut open, pretty good.

could have been in season 3 of Daphne Dishes!

could have been in season 3 of Daphne Dishes!

 

I had been thinking about doing this for a while.  I can see dwindling collagen and gravity were altering a few things on my face… and other places.   Finding out my show wasn’t renewed seemed like a good time.  Don’t need to be in front of the camera’s any time soon.  I’m not going to apologize or feel I have to justify it. In the grand scheme of things it’s not such a big deal.  In an age of self transformation from multiple piercing to transgender, who really cares about a middle aged lady fixing a saggy eyelid?

 

Yet, when women do it ( and men too) they hide.  Why?  I’m greatly influenced by my brief time living in Miami.  Miami is populated with lots of South Americans.  Maybe because Brazil is in the top 10 of countries with plastic surgery ( South Korea is number one)  Or maybe because Miami is a city you can reinvent yourself, but people walk around with some bruising.  People say, “oh, did you get the fat pocket surgery?  I’m thinking of doing that.”  It’s no big deal.

 

Why not be open?  People will judge me for it, but I judge the sloppy dressed lady behind me at the supermarket.  I cringe at  pierced septums, I fixate on mucus hanging from their hoop when they have a cold.  I’m startled when I see a neck tattoo.  So judge away.

While these pictures are a bit alarming I’m glad we took them because by the next day a lot of the bruising had receded.  Moms at school would remark, “It’s really gone down.”  and “I’ve never seen anyone out after surgery, everybody hides.” I’m outspoken and honest to a fault.  It’s gotten me in trouble.  A lot.  But, the flip side is this is my authentic self.  When my friend Cheryl sent me the photos she took she said, “they are vulnerable and funny, like you.”  I think it’s why comedy resonates with me.  I’ll make fun of myself before you can.  Funny people are famously a bit dark.  Yep. Think that’s true.  See my mangled face!  Bwahhh.

 

The question I get asked the most is ,”Did it hurt?”  A bit, but not much. I did it without general anesthesia.  Partly because I find recovering from that difficult, and partly because not doing it saved me $2,500.   I took two xanaxs, a vicodin, an antibiotic and a few minutes later as I was getting woozy my doctor started shooting me up with lidocaine around my eyes.  That kinda hurt, about like a botox shot feels on your forehead.  That was maybe 30 seconds, then I fell asleep.  When I woke up my husband was there ( I took a cab solo to the procedure, no use someone waiting around).  That was when I had the most pain.  I felt throbbing soreness around my eyes.  They gave me a pain pill and by the time I was in our car I felt nothing.  I slept propped up and my husband dutifully woke me up every 4 hours to give me the meds so I could stay ahead of the pain. He also woke me up at dinner time to give me a bowl of homemade Carbonara pasta.  My favorite!  “Hmm, this is good.” I ate a small bowl and passed out again.  By the next day I was feeling better.

 

Now, it’s not without problems.  Mostly because I’m taking an opiate for pain and I went cold turkey one day.  At that point the pain could be controlled with a little Advil, but I started to slip into Kurt Cobain like depression.  I called my husband who said, “Go take a half pill, you have to wean yourself.”  Which I did over the next few days.  Between the surgery and pills I was a bit more emotional than normal.  

I'm bruised, but still your wacky mom

I’m bruised, but still your wacky mom

I had prepped my kids that I was going to look like Frankenstein when I got home.  They were fascinated to see the stitches on my eyelids.  They are pretty grizzly looking at first.  The lower lids were artfully stitched up on my lash line so they were unrecognizable. The uppers, yikes! My kids liked helping with my cold compresses the first few days, and later the warm ones.  They let me sleep the first two days.  Then they wanted mom on the go again bruised or not.  Kids roll with it.

 

call me crazy, but I love this picture

call me crazy, but I love this picture

I hear,  “ I didn’t think you needed this.”  Well, thanks friend/family/dude at gas station.  That’s kinder than saying “I wondered when you were going to tighten that up!”  But, I didn’t do it for anyone else.  I did it for me. My own selfish, self centered, vain self.    It got to the point that when I put on liquid eye liner on my top lid it would end up near my eyebrows as my drooping lid would fall and catch it. When I smiled a ridge of flesh like a caterpillar was forming under my eyes, especially my right one. It bugged me.  So, the doctor removed some skin at the bottom and artfully stitched me up on my lower lash line.  Very well done.  Harder and longer to heal is the upper lids.  A month later all bruising is gone, but I still have flesh bumps on my lid where the stitches were.  They say it can take 6 months for the swelling to completely go away and for it to settle.  I hope so, because of after the hassle and expense of this I do want to look refreshed. That’s why I thought I needed this.

 

I get the resistance, but  I didn’t think that pretty girl at the sandwich shop should have put that large tattoo on her shoulder and gauges in her ears, but she didn’t ask me.  

no make up?, that's just the start

no make up?, that’s just the start

Don’t worry I tell friends, I’m not going to become the cat lady and change the plane of my face and have puffy lips.  At some point, I will go gently into the aging process, a lineless 80 year old might be unnerving.  But for right now I just want to look a smidge more like the lady I’ve been staring at for years.   I’m not justifying, I’m explaining and I want to support anyone who has done this or wants to.  If you saved your acorns to do it, good for you. We all have our reasons, and they are our own.

holiday body- return of Muffinlicious

Okay, I’m not at prime muffin top right now since I lost weight being sick, but in general this is not the time of year where we feel svelte.  Drinking, sweets, roast meats, plus when it’s colder our bodies are covered up and layered.  Only that lucky dude who we picked up for the cold months or a husband gets to see any flesh. ( in fact, got dolled up recently and felt great being a tad thinner)

Daphne Dressed up

Daphne Dressed up

Make sure it looks nice, like this picture my friend took in Joshua Tree.  In the winter the stubble can grow fast.. legs, underarm, chin.vagina rock

Anyway, I got a ‘fan’ message recently saying that they loved my muffin top.  A newish friend thought that was an odd compliment.  That’s when I realized she hadn’t seen my one bona fide viral video and didn’t know that we need to embrace our muffin top!  Something to grab and hold.  So, encore!   Happy Holidays

 

Rene Zellweger, what is going on?

She has Jennifer Greyed.  It’s a verb now.  It means to have plastic surgery where you look good, pretty even, but not like your former quirky cute self. rene z new face

More on it here.

Look, I don’t blame her.  She was a big deal for a while.. then had this lull in her career because Hollywood only lets 2 woman have careers at a time, she has a minute marriage to Kenny Chesney and then went all Meg Ryan…. well, she looks better than Meg Ryan.

If I had the money I would totally have an eye job.  Clearly I’m not the only one.  Plastic surgery is going gang busters.  As this infographic shows ( I love infographics)

stats on plastic surgeryHang on, laser hair removal is considered Plastic Surgery?  Then every Armenian I know has “gone under the knife”.    Being in my 40’s I paid close attention to this part of the plastic surgery website. “The 40’s are a time when the aging process really begins to set in.”

No shit.

We typically start to see the earlier signs of aging around the eyes and forehead. The skin around the eye is prone to wrinkle and show redundancy.

redundancy’ is a polite term for extra skin.  As in, that amount of skin hanging over your eyeball is really redundant.”

The upper eyelids and forehead can begin to droop and give a tired or sad appearance. Thus it’s no surprise that patients between the ages of 40-54 are likely to undergo an eyelid and/or brow lifting surgery in order to minimize these changes. The lower eyelids are treated by removing or tightening skin as well as treating fat pockets. 

-Years ago I was told that Ford models where all made to get rid of their fat pockets in their teens.  They sucked out the fat and put it in a straw for them to consume with lots of cigarettes.

But, it’s not just those in front of the camera’s.  Even Mormon’s want to look pretty in this life.

From Realself.com ” Surprisingly, Salt Lake City topped the list with almost five surgeons per 100,000 residents, beating out Miami, San Francisco, and even L.A. New York City did not make either list.”

realself cities with the most plastic surgeons

One thing I loved about Miami when I lived there is that everyone is so honest about their work.  They will walk around with bandages.  Unlike SF, where those crunchy, self important, rich liberals hide out in their $100 t-shirts till the stitches come out out.

There are always friends who say, “Oh, don’t ever get an eye job.”  Thanks, but I have to hold still with eyes closed after I apply liquid eyeliner or the ‘redundant’ part of my right lid gets  it’s own drawn on mustache. Plus, the upside as having been only moderately successful in my professional life, no one really notice.  The downside of only having been moderately successful in my professional life means I can’t pay for it though.  Maybe a yard sale?

Wait, I’ve got the recessionista fix.  Walk around like this.

non surgical eye lift

non surgical eye lift

 

Cover up your kids, dang it.

All summer it boggles my mind.  Little girls in bikini’s and one pieces.

lordy, the kids a red head! She should be in a tent

I’m rolling up my big boy pants and wading into JUDGE LAKE.  I don’t get  the recklessness I see in the sunny months.  Why am I often the only parent putting my kids in rash guard style swimwear?

In my lifetime we went from a country that worshipped the sun, let people smoke on planes, made it illegal to have kids sit in the front seat.  Let alone on the arm rest like I use to, next to my groovy Ali McGraw looking mom in the 1970’s with her deep brown tan.  YET, there is a great disconnect when I see kids at the beach and poolside.  Their swimsuits make me look to see a dangling cigarette in the hands of their moms, to hear if people are calling grown black men, “boy”.   The world changed, became more aware of cultural flaws and safety issues, subsequently we buckle our kids in a special seat in the back of the car, advanced civil rights, but knowing the dangers of the sun 99% of parents I see dress their little daughters like this when near a body of water.

I don’t get it

NOT to mention the odd sexualization of childhood these suits represent.  I’ve long been bothered by little girls dressed as if they have developed bodies.  Just looking at this from a health issue, parents are exposing their children to the sun at the worst times to do so.  Sun exposure when we are under 25 is the most dangerous for our skin.  Later, our goose is kind of cooked.  A burn in childhood follows you for life.  I had been stewing about this issue of unprotected kids in the sun and today an OP ED piece propelled me to write about it. It’s about the dangers of tanning bed by a doctor who had a scare.

Not Cute

The doctor advocates for warnings on tanning beds.   where is the warning on little kids swimsuits?

The other day at a party for a friend of Rex’s a blonde boy was running around playing shirtless.  I said something to his father and the father said something along the lines “It’s okay, he was by a lake last week.”  I was confused.  I think he was using that old myth about if you have a base tan you are protected.  The little boy was obviously getting red.

from CDC

When Vivien was a baby we were given a baby bikini.  Barf.  We couldn’t throw that out of the house fast enough.  We know we have a dirty planet.  As Woody Allen said in “Annie Hall”, “Everything our parents said was good for us is bad, the sun, milk, college.” We know melanoma is on the rise,  PARENTS WHY DON’T YOU PROTECT YOUR KIDS IN THE SUN.   I hear, “I slathered on the sunscreen.”  Yes, that’s good, but c’mon it’s not as good as having material covering the body.  I put on sunscreen on the exposed legs of my kids and they still get tan. They jump in the water, run around.  DO you really keep reapplying every 30 minutes?  I doubt it.  Plus my son is wiggly and it’s hard to get as much on him as I would like.  I have a long sleeved shirt for Rex sometimes, but I’ve been getting push back from Vivien for my Victorian ways because all of her friends are dressed like Kiddie Sports Illustrated. I’m firm.  Sun is up, rash guard swimwear is on. She’s lucky I don’t throw her in a burka.

what my kids wear

 

It’s fun to have your kids in cute clothes.  That’s what dresses, and little ties and vests are for.  Cover up your kids in the sun, humor me.

 

 

 

 

People,ugly

I just took the kids to a local amusement park, The Santa Monica Pier.  The kids love the rides.  I love seeing them happy.  But, the same thought goes through my head at this place and every other place full of humans in casual clothes in crowded places.

You people look awful

There is clearly a serious weight problem in America.  Check. I know, I’m not the first to note this.  Also,  I’m a big old fogey with my dislike of rampant tattoos. Anything intersting or meaningful has to be inked all over skin now.  Can’t we get to know each other and then I’ll learn of your love of oak trees, your uncle, your dead cat? How about scrapbooking? The other visual blight is  piercings that look like some food was stuck on someones face.  I almost handed a lady a napkin in line for the bumper cars till I realized that the dot of a food crumb above her lip was nailed into her flesh.

We are all slobs

Yes, it was hot, even a tad humid, which never brings out the best in humanity.   It certainly hasn’t brought out the best in our sartorial choices.  But, let’s start out with  things that don’t hug every hunk of bat fat, or back breasts as I recent’ heard them called.  Gent’s, you don’t need a tank that bares your clumps of back hair do you? I knew I was going to trash land so I chose a t shirtwith a drawing of  a mobile camper.  As if to say, yes, I look like trailer trash today.  I’m already judging myself.  I had trouser shorts, which are an appropriate length.  Unlikes some of the sausage thighs I saw with barely a fistful of material swathed around them.  With Rex in tow I’m assured There Will Be Spills.  Maybe even bodily fluids on my clothes by days end, thus breaking out anything beyond the Old Navy, TJ Max clearance rack pointless.

I plucked a happy birthday cone hat on my head while we were there.  Again, admitting, that good looks had not been achieved and if you can’t be handsome, be funny.  I also thought it would make it easier for my kids to find me if we were seperated.

Tennis shoes, sunglasses to hide lack facial flaws in over head sun. I give kudos who the mom who I saw who had a 3/4 billowy black sundress and large white sunhat.  Block of colors and covering any figure flaws while being comfortable.  Good job mom.

Maybe we should just wear costumes.

Bill Maher had a bit on his show a couple of years ago where he said if we get any more casual soon people who be walking around in diapers.  When I look better I do tend to feel better.  Dressed badly I feel every figure flaw.  I should follow these gals lead from 1960’s

Look how happy that they are dressed in cute day clothes.

I think a lot of people have the same one I have.  I have NICE clothes, dresses for work, blazers.  I have a bunch of crappy t shirts.     I think we need to work on the middle a tad more folks.  My husband did well today.  He had a Cuban style shirt over jeans.  I think that’s a nice medium look for a man.  Nothing hugging a gut.  I have a few casual Target dresses that are wash and wear and can accessorized up a bit in the medium category.  A button shirt over capris or shorts would work as well ( clearly capris bring joy)

In old pictures people looked better

So, when did the change come from people going out like this 

to this? 

The early ’70’s I think.  But, why with greater equality for women, all races and microwave ovens did we have to go to slobville?  Clothes are cheaper than ever.  Just because someone gave us a tank with a logo on it, doesn’t mean we have to wear it.

Oh, and how did my funny hat finder work?  Not well.  I lost Rex for a minute and when I found him crying a young gal covered in tattoos, pierced something, her guy friend, shirtless were trying to help him find his mom.  I know, scrappy slobs  can be very nice people.  I just wish we looked nicer.

 

 

baby belly, who cares?

As I was going through the mountain of pitches I got in the last 2 months one jumped out at me.  It was from a company that has actress Ali Landry in their ads.  The pitch said “Ali Landry bares her baby bump”  My first thought, was who cares, Demi Moore beat her to the punch by about 20 years.  No offense to Ali Landry, she is a beautiful human and I’m sure very nice person.

can this thing sell cream or what?

My next thought was: That doesn’t take courage.  Courage is showing your belly AFTER the baby has vacated the belly.  One of my favorite sites for empowering woman about their bodies is Shape of a Mother.  No holds barred real women, real bodies, after real pregnancies ended and left destruction in their wake.

I could show you pictures of my pregnant belly all day long with pride.  My big belly had a purpose.  It was carrying life.  It radiated joy.  It was TAUT.  It ain’t taut now.  So, for the newbies to coolmom I show this reprieve of my ode to what happens to a woman, hey, maybe it just happened to short waisted, cheese loving, moderate exercising me.  It’s Muffinlicious.

 

Cruel online week

In case we had forgotten the past week reminded us that there are evil people in the world.

Most people are not evil.  More people ran to help the wounded in Boston than set the bombs off.

Online though mean comments run rampant.  I just got one

You are not a cougar. You are an old incompetent wrinkly cat that has lived beyond its years. You are so disgusting that your husband looks suicidal in every one of his pictures. You are the type of person they pictured when they added instructions to a bar of soap. If human intellect was all the water in the world, you would be the single drop of sweat rolling down a fat man’s ass crack. Shut the fuck up.

Thanks Mom.

Really, since there are millions of site I don’t have to shut the fuck up, you kind person can go to another site.  Gwyneth Paltrow totally bugs me, but I wouldn’t go on her site and tell her.

Worse than being told I have wrinkles and husband would rather die than be with me. I have two friends whose children have died and at some point amidst the out pouring of loving messages on their blogs they have both gotten the MEANEST comments in a sense blaming them for their children’s passing or saying that their kids are in hell.

Clearly, that’s not someone who has a beer and an ax to grind but truly CRAZY.  Crazy and Evil.

Look, if you won’t go up to someone you see at Trader Joe’s and say it to their face don’t write it online.  I saw someone at TJ’s I have no love for, or she for me, but I just buried my head in the yogurt section till she had moved on.

Oh, but wait I forgot, I’m not CRAZY.  Just wrinkly.

 

Getting back to my roots

Let’s talk about the really big news around here.  My hair.

After 20 years of dying my hair blonde.  I have gone back to my roots. Well, with a few highlights as well.  I’ve been thinking about this for a long time.

I'm naturally blonde and I have a cake!

Hear is my Hair Story:  Like many of us I was a blonde little child.  Golden locks, wispy buttery strands that flew through the rich Culver City air.  I stood out in my clan as they were all brown haired, brown eyed people.

Make Blonde not war

Then in adolescents.. I started to change.  The hair became darker, so I sprayed on Sun In.  But, that left it kind of orangy.  By High School I was done trying.  It was all brown.  My super thick hair a blunt cut that sat on my head like a helmet.  So, I cut it SHORT.  Very Molly Ringwald 1980’s. Daphne Brogdon 1980’s.

Molly, not me, but very close

I went to college and let it go where it would.  I was thinking about saving the world and listening to Grateful Dead, wearing huarache sandals so I didn’t realize that I had developed (gulp)

A MULLET

It was even kind of blue for awhile and then red, due to some temporary dye that wasn’t.  But, hey college is a time of experimentation, right?

"Does that girl have a mullet?"

I went home one summer before my junior year and walked into my friend Carolyn’s hair salon.  “OMG ” she screamed,  ” You look like someone from Sonoma County.”  This was before Sonoma county had great wine and cheese, but was hick central.  I finally came to.

“HELP ME”  She chopped the party in the back off.  Several weeks later she put in highlights.  Then I was on the road to blonde.  It felt like I was back to me.  The golden child.

Now, blondes do turn heads.  But, not so much when they are in sweat pants pushing a stroller.  I like my blonde when I’m all done up or on TV.

If only I always looked like this. But then I'd be on Real Housewives of Culver City

But, that’s not what most of my life is like.  I still want to be pretty.  I have not “given up”.  But, I don’t want to chase a look right now either. It’s also a lot of maintenance and money. I tell Vivien as I gaze at her naturally perfect highlighted hair, don’t chase the blonde Viv.  When you are older, go gently into the sweet night of brown. I don’t want her to spend time on that when she will be in a great scientist discovering a cure for cancer.  She has better things to do.

So, I’ve gone brown.  I’ve gone bangs.  Michele Obama said her bangs were her mid life crisis.  I feel kind of the same way. Although, I would prefer Channing Tatum or Bradley Cooper to also be part of this crisis.“Daph, we like brunettes. Brown brings out the blue eyes”

This is going to sound really goofy, but going darker is one of the bravest things I’ve done in a while.  My friends really see it.  Most like it, a few say they prefer the blonde.  Talking about hair sounds trite, yet it is a part of our identity.

I’ll probably go blonde again.  I always pictured myself a little old lady in a golf dress  with over tan skin in Palm Springs, short blonde hair dropping coins for the lifeguard to pick up for me

I would love to look like Cloris when I'm her age

We’ll see.

 

children make you lose weight

Can having children help you lose weight?  Here I am starting on the journey of both kids in school five days a week:  Rex preschool, Vivien 2nd grade, and  Oliver off to college. I’m hopeful that this new schedule means my workout routine will skyrocket me back into my size 4’s. Here I am jogging for 30 minutes on the first day of this new, freed up mommy sked.

Yeah, not pretty.

However, I was asked by a fitness writer if she could contribute a post. I don’t normally do that, but I’m  wondering, “did I just send my best personal trainers off to school?”Wouldn’t I look cuter playing with children than the hot mess I am here?”  Pass me the air guitar!

So, from Jennifer Bayliss, who has lots of initials after her name, from Everyday Health is part of the answer.

Channeling Your Inner Child

I don’t know how or when it happened, but my kids are growing up. My oldest child is now entering kindergarten and I am finding myself bombarded with organized activities–soccer, T-Ball, hockey, karate, even outdoor play is now a scheduled event instead of a spontaneous childhood endeavor.
I can remember being the same age as my son and asking my parents to go to gymnastics, tennis lessons, and dance classes like my friends. As the proud, but overwhelmed, parents of a new set of twins, their reply was to tell me to go play outside, but not to leave the yard. What? How fun is that? But I found myself, literally, outside and running laps around our house. I would try to see how many times I could go around without needing to stop and each time I would try and top my last number.
I find myself trying to find a balance with my son. I want him to be part of an organized activity so he learns the benefits of team play and working with others, but I also yearn for him to spend lots of time running and exploring on his own. I now understand the value of unplanned and free play as an opportunity to tap into his imagination, to learn that not only is our yard an outdoor extension of our home, but it can also double as an Olympic Track and Field venue. And to top it all off, it’s great for his health.
These days I find myself playing right alongside my son

(a)because I love spending time with him and

(b) because now I know that outdoor play burns calories and builds lean muscle. As an adult, I still tend to crave organized activity as well–Spin Class, Zumba, Boot Camp Class, or a half marathon. And I still do all of those classes and running events, but now I find myself looking at the playground at our local elementary school in a different light. Those monkey bars and wobbly bridge are a boot camp style obstacle course. I just need to use my imagination and be creative with my workouts. So while my son is acting like an almost 6-year-old little boy, I am getting my exercise in for the day. Just to give you a little idea of how many calories you can burn per minute playing with your child:
Average Calories Burned Per Minute (based on a 150lb person)

Riding Bikes: 5 calories
Jumping Rope: 14 calories
Climbing a Tree: 4.5 calories
Hop Scotch: 7 calories
Dancing: 9 calories
Exploring in the Woods: 7 calories
Jumping On and Off a Tree Stump in Said Woods: 14 calories
Playing Tag: 7 calories
Running Laps Around the House: 12 calories
Playing Air Guitar: 4 calories
Just think how good this is for your child too! Now get out there and play.

Jennifer Bayliss, MSEd, ATC, CSCS, Manager of Fitness for Everyday Health’s Calorie Counter is a guest blogger and mother who loves burning calories while benefiting her son’s health. 

Source: 2011 Compendium of Physical Activities

Mommy body issues

As I keep telling PR people who want me to interview their clients, “Will they come to my house?”  I passed on people from Katie Couric on down ( she wouldn’t be interviewed on camera anyway).  But, Coolmom regular Sara Chana, Homeopath and Herbalist, Breastfeeding Expert, Birthing Instructor, keeps coming back to the cool mom studio ( today it’s in my living room).  As one who was raised on Merv Griffin I feel like she is my Shelly Winters, or Totie Fields.  A favorite guest who pops on whether they have something to promote or not.  It’s always fun to talk to her.  Maybe she is my Dick Cavett.

Notice that my cat is lurking in the back like a disgruntled band leader. I don’t know if it’s Apple or Julia.  I think she thinks if she gets in frame enough she get her SAG card.  Huh, kiddie, the web won’t help you that.  Maybe you want to run away to a movie stars house?

I can only hope.

So, How has your body changed?