Best of Cool Mom: Summer 2011

It wouldn’t be hard to beat last summer. Summer of 2010, my dad’s health suddenly went off a cliff and we lost him on August 2nd.

I still bawl my head off when I hear “If Ever I Should Leave You” or “Try to Remember the Times of September” — a song my dad sang during my childhood if I was alone in the car. I am sure I always will.

But this has been a sweet summer. I didn’t oversubscribe Vivien in camps. Rex is a great playmate for her so I don’t have to knock myself out driving around for playdates. My dad would have loved our new backyard. It was so much fun to finally be settled. That was our summer vacation. That we could stay put.

I was still churning out some Cool Mom vids, but I did take note that traffic is DOWN in the summer. Moms who want a chuckle don’t have the same downtime to come to Cool Mom and check out my latest witty bit from my kitchen.

So, I put together a little “Best of Cool Mom: Summer 2011″.  Some of the better vids that maybe you missed while you were slip ‘n sliding with your kids.

Hope you enjoy.

Kid Audition

I feel like I am sharing a dirty secret of mine: Rex has an agent. Hear me out. It’s because of cool mom and segments on Fashion Team where Rex appeared in a few little gigs he was asked to do with me. I plunked the cash right into his 529 or IRA. (By the way, Coogan Law which is supposed to protect child actors only requires that 15% of the gross of the child’s earnings be deposited in his Coogan account. I think it should be more.)

Since Stanley Chais and Madoff decided Rex didn’t get that money for his education, I thought, hey, if the kid can score a few bucks great. All the better while he is so little that he won’t feel like a piece of meat. When I have been on shoots with kids, other kids, they have always been treated very well. Which is why our recent experience auditioning was all the more shocking. It’s also why Vivien wants no part of it.

The Mid Morning Show with Cool Mom: Hail to the Chief!

Oh, yes, when the big guy drops by your house you have to keep him there for more. In my continued attempt to bring my salute (parody) to TV chat shows I am fortunate to have President Obama come and sit on my couch.

You know what?  He is as human as any of us.

Note: this Obama was all improvised and I think really gets the flavor of how the President tries to frame things.

Botox Girl

On Cool Mom when I try to be timely it doesn’t always work out. If I shoot a homemade, I can upload it quicker. But last week was my monthly gang shoot (not the “Colors” variety, but when I shoot a bunch of vids with a camera man). It was the day the Botox momma was on “Good Morning America”.  Well, since Child Protective Services took her kid away from her, she is saying she made the whole thing up.

Either way she is a real gem of a role model for her kid. Not as good a model as Arnold, oops, more info on that now, okay, take his father of the decade award away. Reportedly he is vacationing with John Edwards.

Do successful men not use condoms?

PS What’s the point of baby pageants anyway?  It’s always chubby moms that push their kids to that.

Royal Wedding

Dear Kate and Wills,

I am so sorry I am not going to be able to cross the pond to celebrate your special day. I had been shopping for the right hat and eye job, but then Mark (my commoner husband) reminded me that the movers are coming the day before, and your actual wedding day is the day the second wave of movers come with the stuff from our two storage lockers, rooms… not sure what they are called. What do you call them, Wills? Three-bedroom homes? Anyway, I have forgotten what most of my possessions look like so I thought I should greet them. Also, Rex is not up for plane travel at all and it would cost a lot in babysitting if I went without the kids. Oh, how I do run on!

Look, I think you two make a really lovely couple. Kate, you are perfect looking and will do so much for brunettes. Maybe if you had been around when I was younger I wouldn’t have been as horrified in my blonde-to-brown teen years. Though, even in my teen years I never had such a rocking little bod as you do.

Wills, you know how much I have cared for you and admire the man you have become. I know your mother is so proud of you and is looking down at you with a big smile. She would like you both to be a tad less chummy with Camilla though. Yes, sure, be polite, but give Diana a wink every now and then that lets her know you are really just humoring the home-wrecker.

I cried my eyes out when HRH Diana was taken so young. I hope you know, Wills, that we all — three billion of us — were giving a big hug to you and Harry from afar.

I do hope the day is what you want it to be.

I do hope you two have as charmed life as any attractive, healthy, rich people can have. Why not? Be happy!

I do hope your day is not marred too much by my absence.

Oh, where are you registered?

xo Daphne

Reality Show

If you have watched enough reality shows — and honestly, haven’t we all? — you find that the common denominator for all of them is creating conflict where there is none. Or making a mountain out of a mole hill. Whether it’s over a set up game on an island in the South Pacific or a dancing show with C-listers, magnifying drama is the genre’s stock and trade.

Having hosted reality shows, I know first hand that the drama they amplify is actually not as interesting as the actual human dramas taking place.  But that doesn’t stop them. Since I’m not named Mark Burnett or Freemantle or Magical Elves, what do I know?

I wanted to apply the formula to my life and see how it works.

The Mid Morning Show with Cool Mom

I’ll be honest, NBC offered me and Rex the 10pm slot, but in the meeting Rex rolled his eyes. I read his mind. Who wants to watch a talk show at 10pm?  So, we passed, Leno took it, rest is history.  I said I’d go head to head with “The View” gals though.  I used to love them, but, come on, Joy is the only funny/smart one.  Sherri Shepard, not funny, not that smart.  Elizabeth Hasselback is more interesting.  Whoopi, um, I just miss Rosie.  Are cue cards still a surprise for her?

Rex loves Regis, so we were sort of thinking that with a little Kimmel for our show.  Here is just a teaser.

NBA Naps

Yes, I know it’s the NCAA’s right now, but had to put my two cents in on this NBA nap kerfuffle.

Rex is still doing periodic “mommy!” pleas in the middle of the night.  When I’m not strong enough to put a pillow over my head and chant “Ferber, Ferber” as I try to go back to sleep, my next day is shot. He is not easy to get back down. And men, with their hearts, they need to rest the ticker. Also, if someone works overnight they can increase their heart problems. So, if a basketball player played overnight and was woken up by – okay, maybe not a kid, but – a groupie spending the night who wants to get some more action before the break of dawn, yes, they would need a nap.

Do we need to have a march for nappers’ rights?  Is that goofy eyed Wisconsin Governor stopping these as well?

Also, if I ever make you chuckle can you VOTE for me?  I stumbled across this poll/contest/promotional vehicle. It’s about funny mom bloggers.  I will say I have discovered some other funny gals by going down the list.