All parents are looking for the magic bullet to ease their suffering, shut the kids up, not embarrassing ourselves in the process, get some sleep, etc, etc. But is there one? I think if we all realize we can control our children, not really, maybe we’ll (I mean me) get less agro. Of course I am trying to control Vivian a bit this week so I can sit and watch the convention. For a political junkie like me, the next two weeks are like Christmas.
This is kind of a vlog version of my “In Appreciation Of Non-Mom Friends”
Don’t get all Jamie Lynn Spears on me single ladies and overly glamorize motherhood. Do those cute celeb moms talk about how it’s about 2 years before you can take a crap in private? No. It’s not for everyone and I’ll tell you why.
So a while ago I said to Nikki, my executive producer of the Fashion Team, “I can’t believe this show can’t get me some free BOTOX.” A few days later she called and asked if I was serious; there was a segment they wanted to do and I could get free BOTOX by a reputable Beverly Hills doctor who has been on Extreme Makeover (a show I always loved) on TV. I said, “Why not? I’m going to tell everyone anyway.” I would never pull a Star Jones and conceal I lost half my body. I can’t keep much of a secret. If someone compliments my outfit I can’t just say “thank you” – I have to say, “TJ Maxx, $25!”. Maybe I’ll be classy when I grow up.
Anyway, it was done by Dr. Jon Perlman. It felt like tiny little pricks. Waxing is a hundred times more painful. Not only would I do it again, I might even pay for it.
Hey, I need your help with this. I was going through my daughter’s closet and I’m wondering what I should do with the clothes she has grown out of. It’s very hard for me to let them go. It might not be logical to keep them, but I imagine years from now when I’m an old lady living by myself–well, maybe with a cat–that I will be clutching Vivien’s baby clothes. Smelling them and thinking of when she was my little, bitty girl. And hoping she comes to visit…or calls? Would it kill her to call her mom once in a while? Oh, I’m getting ahead of myself. Do other people have a hard time letting the baby clothes go?
Remember “The Three Little Bears”? Well, these days Goldilocks would be rejecting noses, not porridge. Check out this new children’s book, My Beautiful Mommy, which explains mom’s plastic surgery to kids.
It reminds me of a story my mom told me years ago. When older sister Carole was little, there was a family on our block, the “Smythes.” Well, Mrs. Smythe was always very made up and had chic little outfits and done-up blonde hair. And she drank cocktails with her husband and friends in their second-floor bar, which was so cool. But she was harsh to her kids and yelled and whacked them. My mom was pretty, but more in a 1970s way. Long straight hair, big sunglasses, tanned with little make up. So, one day after playing with the put upon Smythe kids, Carole said to our mom, “Mean mommies are pretty. You are a nice mommy.”
There’s a compliment in there somewhere.
Have you ever hated it when you someone made you do something, and now you do it yourself? It’s not as bad as saying your are allergic to half the foods on a menu, but what I ask people to do in my house is up there.
What do we have in common with movie stars? How about armpit hair! Find out how stars are just like us, and how they are not. Ideally, I think we should live and let live without worrying about how different people conduct their lives… ah, who am I kidding? I judge all the time, and so do you.
Oh, and by the way, scented powder works well, too.
Just because you are a giver of life, a protector, doesn’t mean you have to totally go to seed, right? There’s the glam mom, and then there’s the rest of us who can barely pull it together. I’m not wearing high heels when I take my kids out to golf. Swear, I once saw that!
But, I think we need to make a little effort. In the old days, people would say do it to keep your husband happy. I say, do it to keep you happy! Terrible when you catch a glimpse of yourself and you go, “What happened to that girl? Oh, God, it’s me!!!”
Now, in my video here, I accidentally say blush twice. I meant foundation the other time. Lots of people will say that for running around, tinted moisterizer is fine. Well, they are prettier than me, ’cause I need the coverage of foundation. Let me know your quick “pull it together” tips. This video shares one of mine.
I was at a kiddie party this weekend that totally proved my thesis on this one. All the little kids were sitting around the little table outside after the birthday girl had blown out her candles. And as children around the world know, after the candles it means cake time! Unless of course your mother is a nut.
So, one woman started to hand out cake and ice cream to the kids who were patiently waiting for their treat. After she placed it in front of a particular 4 or 5 year old girl, the girl’s mother comes running over “Oh, no, Debbie, oh, no!” She fluttered around holding the paper plate aloft with the sweets looking for someone to had it back to. I stared for a minute, trying to figure out what she was flapping around about. When I figured it out, I offered to take the plate from her and I gave it to my daughter.
Debbie looked forlorn as the other kids stuck their fingers in their food. She was beat down, she’d been through this before. The mom came back and handed her daughter a piece of cookie the size of half of my pinky. Ironically, Vivien ate one bite of the cake and two spoon-fulls of the ice cream and then left the table for the jumpy house. I nudged the woman who had been handing the plates out and she said, “That women is going to give her kid an eating disorder. I went to medical school and that’s what they told us, because those kids never learn to regulate their own eating.”
Food-controlling-mom wasn’t done making it a special day for her offspring, “Here, Debbie, here’s your treat,” as she placed a plate full of cut watermelon in front of sad Debbie. One mommy friend said, “She shouldn’t even take her kid to a party if she can’t have the cake. That’s the deal, kids at party get cake.” That’s what I thought.