My Dream Diagnosis

You ever go into a drawer, a box, your sister’s closet and find an article of clothing you forgot you had?  Well, sometimes I forget about videos I’ve made.  I’ve done over 500.  Here is one I tripped over and it was never tagged, promoted, etc so it only has 56 views.  That’s probably just from my mom.

In it I do part of bit I did when I was doing stand up when I was pregnant with Vivien.  A big belly is a great sight gag.  Here I’m pregnant with Rex.  You can hear that baby pressing on my lungs.  I’m gasping like Dom Deluise.  What I can’t figure out is why me and my camera man lined up the shot the way we did..right next to the pile of junk on my desk.  Oh, now I remember I knew I was going to be out of commission soon with Rex coming and we shot 20 videos in one day!

Anyway… here is one of the best things a doctor could tell a woman:

 

Cranky pregnant woman

My friend Joanna is weeks from giving birth.  I see her at drop off with her first grader and her toddler son- who is also Rex’s BFF. Parking at our school is difficult for those of us not carrying around an extra 40 lbs. Finding a place to park near a crack house, stepping over dog poo while holding two kids hands is our morning.  Too boot Los Angeles is having record setting heat.  Today it’s 101.  October.  101.  Yeah, global warming, I believe you.

Seeing her waddle in and telling her son “no, I can’t pick you up.”  I had a deep flashback. “Don’t you just want to kill everyone?”  I queried.  Yes, said without hesitation ( which is one of the reasons I like her)

The funny thing is I actually think my cranky gave me some energy.  Mother nature’s way of pushing you through those final, heavy, back breaking months.   MOMS to be… especially those with older kids, this ones for you!

Dressing For Your Second Pregnancy

I’m not going to kid you: Sometimes I crack myself up. This is one of those times.

How do you dress for a second pregnancy? Is it different than the first one? Now that I’ve been through it, I am more easy-going with the process. As in, I’ll suddenly realize, “Oh yeah, now I can’t fit into clothes or through a doorway.” Whereas when I was pregnant with Viv, every few weeks it was “Oh my God, what happened to my cute little tush??”

Hurting Your Kid, Part 2

When I accidentally harm my child, as I did in this tale, my self-esteem could not go lower. This is my second installment in what I hope is NOT an ongoing series.

Is my equilibrium off? As a result of this fall, my wrist still hurts, and typing is painful.  So, I’ve kept this short.

I’m Going To Have An Affair

As any pregnant woman or formerly pregnant woman can attest, your palate can be altered when you are pregnant. This pregnancy, I have not enjoyed much food – everything is sort of whatever. The few things I have really enjoyed eating are:

1. Breakfast wraps: scrambled eggs, cheese, crispy bacon, avocado and a smidge of tomatoes. I make versions of this at home.

2. Thin, low-grade cheeseburgers. Not the fat, juicy, hotel types, but the thin-patty, crispy-bun types. My favorite is Apple Pan, but Johnny Rockets can work in a pinch.

And now, the meal that had me thinking of cheating on my husband…

3. A ham sandwich. Not just any ham sandwich, but a sandwich of apricot-glazed smoked ham, tucked inside a soft baguette with bits of Brie cheese. I found myself thinking about it the way you think about a crush. It can also be compared to how you think after a rowdy night of sex with a new lover – your mind keeps drifting back, remembering the sweet moments.

So I drove back to Joan’s on Third to get another one of these delicious sandwiches. I also bought a half-pound of the ham for home (see the ham above, with some goat cheese tart left over from Viv’s party, some garbanzo bean salad – which had too much cumin – and grapes. My dinner last night.) The sandwich was still great. Honestly, the ham on its own was good, but I needed all the trappings – I needed the brie and bread as well. It’s like sex: sure, sex can be good, but you also need the massage, the wine, and the room service.

Gross Bathrooms

Mama is looking pregnant now!

Here’s one of the hidden secrets of parenthood: Gross bathrooms. Kind of like how no one told me I was going to bleed for a week after delivery. Funny, when the glossy magazines are going on about the “celebrity baby boom,” blood and filth in public restrooms seems to be missing from the “I love being a mom” PR spin.

Pregnancy Brain

I am transitioning! That’s right, it’s time to go from master of my own body – from wearing cute clothes, from the ease of a three-year-old I can leave in a room by herself for a while – to that final cross-over into the pregnancy world! I find myself wondering why I am so out of breath on the treadmill and remember, oh, yeah, I’m pregnant. Suddenly, Curves has become a bit of a workout.

The Upside of Pregnancy Poll

We hear a lot about the hardship of pregnancy. Weird rashes (me), morning sickness (me, but really afternoon sickness), constant urination (me), if my husband doesn’t jump to get me something I bite his head off (me), backache (me, in the later months), waddle walk (yes, me again). But there was a lot I liked about being pregnant with Vivien and that I am getting into now with this pregnancy – or rather, there’s a lot I need to be reminded of as my girth increases (18 weeks). So tell me what you liked about being pregnant. Some sample ideas below.

Thanks, sisters!