So I noticed Dooce’s response to people who are unhappy with her vegi cleanse. I get cutting out meat. I did that for a while…three months, then one taste of bacon and it was all over. And I get cutting out red meat since they say cow farts contribute to global warming. And if I’m going to do something I think I would rather cut out a steak rather than my air conditioning*.

Since I live in California I’m no stranger to wacky and different diets and food beliefs. I got talked into a cleanse a few years back. And it wasn’t just veggies, it was NOTHING. Ten days of nothing, but some crappy tasty Chinese herbs and water. Now, I didn’t seem to get the memo that if you deprive your body of that much sustenance you need to lay down on your coach all day and only move to scratch an itch. No, I wisely decided to pick that week to move out of my apartment in San Francisco.

After a few days of eating air, one gets a bit high. I still don’t know how I stuck to it at all. On day four my friend Whitney and I loaded up a van full of my belongings to drive to my new apartment in Santa Monica. He had to do all the work though because I was feeling a little weak and kept giggling uncontrollably. How I didn’t snack on the boring stretch of Highway 5, I don’t know. Oh, yes I do. I wanted to be skinny. Blah, blah toxins, I wanted a flat stomach and this cleanse was going to kick start my path to svelteness.

The next morning back at my place I got really sick. Vomiting herbs and water, really out of it. All I could do was sleep. I couldn’t even get to the couch. Whitney rolled his eyes at me and said something like, “This is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done.”

I started back with clear broth. Then crackers. Food begot more food. I felt better. I think I’ll just wear Spanx.

*Oh god! I just saw pig farts hurt the environment too. Damn, my bacon is threatened again!