Foul Mouth At Work

I had a dream last night that I was in a room with Bill Clinton, and I asked him if he wanted to have a liaison (although in the dream, I said it in a more crude manner). He turned me down! Instead of thinking he had learned his lesson, reinvested in his marriage, and didn’t want to embarrass his wife anymore, I thought, “Oh God, I must really look like hell. I have really let myself look bad if Bill Clinton won’t hit this!”

Sometimes we can see the changes this motherhood thing makes in you, and so many other times, they slowly creep up on you. It even affects how I am at work, hence the need for this vlog about foul language at work.

Don’t Wake Me, I’m Having Sex with Someone Else

I have to share an incident from the other night. I am preparing to host a show called 24 Inside. I do a few every year; it’s a web show about the Kiefer Sutherland show “24.” I interview the writers, actors, producers (though, ironically, in all the years I have been doing the show, we have never been able to interview Kiefer).  Anyway, I love “24,” and “24 Inside” is fun to do, as I get to work with cool people.

Kiefer Sutherland
Creative Commons License photo credit: ertarantiniano

To help me prepare for the upcoming shows, they sent me some of the already-filmed episodes. If you are a “24” fan, this could make you salivate. I have to say I felt like I had gotten something coveted, like a picture of Brangelina’s twins, or the inside track on who Obama and McCain are picking as their VPs, or Botox for life (hmm, maybe not that good).

Anyway, back to the sex. So I have been watching an episode or two before I go to sleep (can’t watch it with Viv in the room, as it’s way too intense). The other night, I am having a happy dream where I have a pretty little home, I feel good, and I realize Jack Bauer is on my bed, ready for some loving. But he is making a goose sound and I worry he is about to kill or die, because that’s the threat on “24.” I slowly realize it’s the actor playing Jack in my bed, and now I’m really psyched.

So I am starting our big makeout, but the goose sound is still going. I say, “Kiefer, I am about to lick your backside, but you’re making a goose sound. Cut it out.” He is laughing and saying, “I’m not doing it.” Then my third eye kicks in, and I realize it’s my husband. I wake up and uncharacteristically, Mark is snoring like a friggin’ goose! I whack him: “You are snoring.” He shifts: “Oh, sorry”

But I couldn’t yell the other thing in my head, which was, “You have ruined my erotic dream with Kiefer Sutherland!” I fumed for twenty minutes before I finally went back to sleep.

It’s fun when you have a delicious dream that you wish to elongate… so to speak.