We are making changes

We are moving in a different direction.
It’s not you; it’s our corporate restructuring.
The many things you are told when you are no longer wanted at a job.
I just got a very nice boot from Star Magazine. For over 5 years I wrote jokes for the their worst of the week feature.
I really don’t mind.
The managing editor wrote me himself, which was classy not leaving it to a flunky. Frankly I don’t blame them. I was having a hard time getting it up for it. How many times can one write a funny line about a disheveled Helena Bonham Carter?
( “ The char woman wants her look back.” )
worst
At some point we just need to accept she has had children with Tim Burton that’s her look! Like we finally got it with Diane Keaton. The lady likes blazers and hats.
How many times can you make a joke about a wanna be starlet, who I have never heard of, but shows up on the red carpet in a too tight cheetah pattern? ( “Don’t call the wild, they’ll call you!”)
I was first asked to be on the panel when I hosted TV Guide’s “The Fashion Team”. Last year it was cancelled and I thought, “I wonder when Star will cut me loose?” I didn’t tell them my show went the way of the dodo bird. I had Coolmom.com in as part of my credit and had hoped that would drive traffic to my site. But, actually it didn’t. I was usually rushing to do the jokes on a Tuesday night while making dinner. Or I would be dropping off Vivien at school on Wednesday and get an email from the editor, “are you sending the jokes?” Crap, I would race home to make the deadline.
One thing that bothered me was the candid shots of celebs on the street.
Look Bai- Ling and Phoebe what’s her name want to be photographed. The ones that dress up in kooky or sexy outfits on the red carpet are fair game. But, Hillary Duffy going to get a Starbucks in sweats, Rumer Willis shopping in shorts and no make up? They are just leading their lives and I look like a hot mess when I go run errands. So, those always made me feel ethically uneasy.

Also, sometimes the editors got it dead wrong. I would get a picture of a celeb in a fashionable outfit and I would write back, “Good look, no joke here.” Fashion can takes chances and still be in good taste. They don’t have to look like Rihanna.

Just in case anyone is planning on hitting the red carpet and doesn’t want to the Worst of the Week here are a few tips.
- No animal prints
- No shiny clothes
- No too tight clothes
- Not too much flesh
- Not too directional in anyway

Will I miss seeing my face in a magazine while I get my pedicure? A bit. But, I will no longer have to correct people when they say, which they did all the time, “ I just read you in US magazine!”

worst

Desert Chic

Saw that some comments came in about my oh-so-fab swim cap. Yes, I do have old lady aesthetic. And since I hope in my later years to be one of those older gals you see in Palm Springs with a short coiffed blond do, thin pink pants, and a fun top walking from my golf/tennis game on the way to have a cocktail with my partially deaf husband who doesn’t mind that I drop change on the ground hoping the pool boy, Hector, bends over to pick it up, yes, I love this swim cap.

I have the hair of a boar, so it’s easier not to have to wash and style too often. My dad’s ex-girlfriend Pat bought it for me in Vegas. She had one on at my wedding, and my sisters and I were all aflutter over it. She kindly bought them for us. It has a great vintage look to it. I did a little search and found this site that has some cute ones. Why would I get one of those speedo types that look like you would do some serious swimming in? I’ll be doggy paddling with Angie Dickinson, thank you!

Note, the photo in the lower right corner is of us and our friends at the Palm Springs Tramway. It is pretty cool to be taken up that high, that fast into a different climate. The picture should have been super cheese, with the fake background green-screened on, but we loved it.

Easter at The Fashion Team

Isn’t this what all moms look like at work?

Vivien and Rex were part of our Spring Fashion show. It re-airs Monday at 7pm and repeats during the week. DVR “The Fashion Team” to check it out. Vivien charged into the studio full of pluck but shrunk down when I got her in front of the cameras.

“But these are all mommy’s friends; it’s ok.” She clung to me. “You get to keep the outfit if you face the cameras”. A window into what I would be like if I entered my daughter in pageants. Smile! She faced the cameras but looked stern the whole time. She was first on TV when she was 10 months so I thought she might have gotten use to it, but I guess not.

Strangely Rex was perfect. Sat down and faced the camera and didn’t cry or crawl. He played with the candy boxes. The clothes are from Old Navy and are inexpensive and cute.

Very funny to be all dolled up holding my kids. So not the norm. Would love to strut into pre-school drop-off in that get up. I also had huge gold Michael Kors platforms. They wouldn’t recognize me.

Also on the show is Lauren Conrad of The Hills fame.

Nice girl. She has a mini empire now. On the show we discussed her line of clothes for Kohls and a book she wrote. But off camera I broke the ice the best way I know how.

“Poor Sandra Bullock!” We were off to the races. She agreed. How humiliating, and she didn’t even get time to enjoy her Oscar win.

Oscar Fashion

And speaking of something light and fluffy, I turn to Oscar Fashion! I am taping a show for The Fashion Team on the TV Guide Network that will air this Sunday about this subject. But of course I was already twittering away about it the night of. That is until I had to keep Rex from pulling my sister’s dog’s hair out. Then my hands were tied.

The funniest person ever to talk about Oscar fashion… or any fashion is my friend Michael Sterk. Every gal needs a best guy friend who likes fashion (if you know what I mean). Michael works in fashion and is such a class act. Everyone who meets him adores him. And if one didn’t love him, they aren’t worth knowing.

Sadly for me, the Big Apple whisked him away two long years ago. He helps design many shoe lines. There is no replacing Michael’s spirit and wit. So, next best thing, we exchanged emails about Oscar night. Here is our exchange. Italics are him. See if you agree.

Michael: Hi Love!
Well here is my Oscar overview…I have to say, I quite enjoyed the awards, and (almost) everyone looked good!
Here are my faves….
I gotta give it up to JLO…She turned it out and really owned the carpet…..the dress, hair and make-up was utter perfection!

–Agreed, classy.

Also….kudos to SJP! Now I know the reviews were mixed, but I loved the whole idea of her! She really gave you “LOOK.” I know the dress was a bit ill fitted but she gave it to you!!! I love love love the hair, make-up was on point and the color and floral details on the dress (with perfect jewelry) was a sight….she gave you drama! LOVE!

–Yes, exciting, she can pull it off. Love the hair.

Sandra Bullock… well… she was there to win! She looked like a true movie star! Simply beautiful! I love the color of the dress, loved her hair, she looked stunning! (wasn’t 100% about the beading detail at the top of the dress, but I’ll get over it!)

- Yeah, good, not great, wrong lipstick, the heavy red.

Queen Latifah and Mo’Nique both looked gorgeous… I loved Queen’s dress, and the color was amazing!

–Mo’Nique was OK. Latifah knows how to dress the big body like no one else. She has it down.

I really liked Maggie G. I thought the dress stood out (loved the print and the fact she took a chance) and fit her perfectly, yet not quite sure if was Oscar worthy?

– No, it kind of bugged. Not a fan of  the dress, but yes, it was modern.

Meryl Streep looked good… thought she was put together nicely… loved the white!

-Yes, no one pays the proper respect to the sleeve like Ms. Street, I mean Streep. You know.

I really like Rachel McAdams… thought the dress was exciting and loved the color and the print and the texture! Perfect hair and make-up as well!

–Really nice. Surprised you haven’t mentioned Anna Kendrick. Think she was one of the best of the night.

I loved Demi Moore! She was a vision in deep peach!!! Perfect from head to toe!
Kate Winslet… looked gorgeous… wasn’t in love with the dress, thought it looked a bit displaced… I didn’t think the top worked with the bottom, but she looked flawless nonetheless

–Color her.

Penelope Cruz gorgeous but boring

– So boring I wore something similar to cover the Oscars 3 years ago.

Cameron Diaz looked pretty….hated the hair–

–Yeah, something was off, but nice.

Kristin Stewart looked pretty and quite polished….the dress fit her quite nicely!
-Glad she had less of her scowl/
Vera Farmiga looked amazing and the dress was stunning! And don’t get me started on the color! GOREGOUS!!!!

–Seemed a tad contrived.

Now for my least favorites…
It’s a tie between Tina Fey and Why-ly Cyrus….Tina looked  really old and the dress looked bad (sorry Michael Kors) it was not Oscar worthy!
….and for Why-ly UGH! She too looked old and not age appropriate! She is just a hot mess!

–Tina’s was  a TOTAL knock off of Kate Winslet’s last year, but in a different color. For her not bad, but didn’t like the hair.

Why-ley always looks old.

Zoe Saldana… why? Such a pretty girl, that dress was very confusing! It look like she was trying to sneak in a bunch of muppets under her dress…

– The joke of the night. She could wear anything, but chose a dress that required special effects, or 3-d glasses.

Didn’t love Elizabeth Banks or Amanda Seyfreid… I though it looked like they were trying to hard, yawn……

–I didn’t mind. I say bring it. Liked Elizabeth’s diamond hairband, sweet.

Faith Hill looked gorgeous but the dress was too much… hated the lace slit

–Didn’t see, but she is always pretty.

Mariah….what can I say….another hot mess.
–But for her, she looked decent–at least she looked less like a whore. She and her boy groom are so cute.
Diane Kruger… way too many things going on on that dress…kinda like a cream colored garbage bag

–I said, BCBG on the sale rack

….and Charlize Theron…..why oh why? I hated the dress, it looked so forced and cartoon-like….like bad Moschino…..way too costume-y and not in a good way!!!
–Well said…. couldn’t understand it AT ALL, she should know better. Loved Alec and Steve.  Meeded more surprises though.
So that’s it! hope you enjoyed the show!
Miss you!
xM
p.s. I love love love Tom Ford.
–Always.

Princess Pen

I think part of being a good parent is embracing your dorkiness. I was just at the park with Vivien for her sports class, and I had on a navy hoodie, brown velvet sweat pants, and worn sneakers.  No makeup, no shower (hey, bath the night before). One dad strode into the park with newsboy cap, leather blazer and posture that said, “These kids haven’t beaten me down!”  I thought I wish I had an outfit on. I wish I had clothes that match.  But, then again, why? I’m chasing after Rex crawling through the grass and sand. I’m lugging a bag over my shoulders full of snacks, water and diapers. A bag that would ruin the line of any stylish outfit. So, why bother? Why not just be covered and utilitarian and embrace it.

Yeah, I don’t dress up, I’m in momcognito.

Yeah, my roots are deep, and my nails are jagged because I’m too tired or too busy to leave my kids to attend to that.

And yeah, when I go to work ,my motherhood can betray my attempt at professionalism.

Have you ever had a moment like this at work?

Pre-School Fashion

Am I the only mom that gazes at the girls in pre-school and picks out admirable fashion? I have often uttered to a 3 year old, “I’d wear that.” Some things only a little kid can get away with.  When Vivien puts on striped tights, a flower dress, and super hero cape and says to me, “Momma, can I wear this?”

I say, “Sweetie, you are 4; knock yourself out. Wear whatever you want.” Unsaid? “Because it’s the only time you will feel this free.”

Granted at school drop off, I’m usually at my schlompiest best (but it fits). Here’s a dress of Vivien’s I wish was in my size. She doesn’t wear it much because it’s not pink or purple, but I love it. And it’s made of heavy velvet; it has a nice hand.

I’ll be clutching that one to my chest years from now.

Golden Globes

I was twittering like a teletype while watching the pre-shows. I had to have some outlet since everyone else on the TV Guide staff was hired to work the red carpet except for me. (Sigh.)

After two hours of having NO ONE to agree with me how on how good gun metal dresses looked and how improved Jenna Fischer of The Office was, I yelled to Mark, “If I don’t get to watch this with a woman or a gay man I am going to go out of my mind.”

We were invited to watch it with some neighbor friends, but we had to wait while Rex’s car seat was washed and dried. Earlier there had been a rather disgusting accident. I don’t need to draw too clear of a picture.

When Ryan Seacrest tossed to his big forheaded co-host ( Yes, When TV Guide is on commercials, I do flip over to E!, but I always flip back) I ran and separated the car seat from the rest of the wet laundry and popped it into the dryer on high.  I had to get out of here.

I enjoyed watching the show when we got to our friend’s house. I liked Ricky Gervais’s put-down humor, and I thought dress-wise most of the gals wore gowns that favored their shape. They might not have been the best clothes, but for the most part none that cut people in the wrong way.

Least favorites. Julia Roberts. Ratty. Make an effort movie star.

Julianna Margulies, Love my “good wife,” but this neckline was distracting

Rita Wilson’s gown, wow, grandma left some drapes lying around?  Her husband can print money, let’s pick it up.

Kate Hudson, was she trying to steal something as she teetered on her hooker heels?

Diane Kruger, Here comes Kool Aid!

And sidebar, who is Sally Hawkins? She presented and everyone in the room was saying “who is this?” I just saw her name next to the picture of Ratty Roberts.

There was more good than bad, a few highlights:

Oliva Wilde ( “House”), was crazy about her sparkling gun metal, draped so well.

Marion Cotillard, that saucy French wench brought it.  Love the peekaboo lace on the leg. Daring, original, and the color of her dress was amazing with her eyes.

Jeanne Tripplehorn, momma has some junk in trunk and wore a lovely long sleeved black number with bejeweled cuffs that artfully pulls the eye away from any imperfections, and the solid color block is slimming.

And of course they all strutted in the rain, so if their hair survived they had great stylists… and probably enough air spray to finish off the ozone layer.

Look of the Zeros: The Video

Oh boy, I would be embarrassed if it wasn’t so pathetically comical. A clear chapter in the ongoing saga of my life, I’m so flipping tired. I’m so flipping tired that when I recorded this video a couple of days ago it flew out of my head so I posted yesterday’s blog ON THE EXACT SAME SUBJECT. It’s like when I did stand up and every stage you perform you do the same act, or it’s like I have early dementia. Might.

Okay, sorry for being repetitive, it’s just the fatigue. But I am still trying to sum up the decade.