Not Funny Mom

Vivien was in a mood.  Cranky, sad, but we had to get to school.  I was sure it was because she had stayed up too late the night before because we had family over for Mark’s birthday.  

I drove the kids to school as I tried to respect Vivien’s feelings, but also gently remind her that this wasn’t the “worst day in the world.”

“Sweetie, you woke up in your pretty room in your nice house surrounded by your loving family, right?”

“yes”

“I told you there is a cupcake left over that you can have when you come home, right?”

“Yes”  But, I wasn’t getting much headway, she was still moping.

Then 3. 8 month old Rex said, “Mommy, maybe Vivien would feel better if we told her a joke.”

Great idea Rex.  Oh, my comic heart swelled with pride.  Then Rex told his knock, knock joke.

“Knock, Knock”
“whose there?” Vivien mumbled

“Chicken”

“Chicken cow” Rex smiled.  I guffawed on cue, because made up on the spot knock knock jokes rarely are funny, but I want to encourage them so I was slapping my knee.

“That wasn’t funny.” Vivien scowled.

He tried again.  ”Knock, Knock”

“Whose there?”

“Turkey”

“Turkey who?”

I wasn’t thinking, I blurted out a punch line.

“Turkey Lurky, and we are going to eat you!.”  Totally lame, but it cracked Vivien up.

Rex started crying.  Vivien was now smiling, and I was the asshole comic who had to top the other comic in the room.

after a recent show, when my timing was better

“That was my joke, that was NOT funny mommy.” Rex said through tears. The rest of the drive to school was filled with him yelling and crying.  Vivien and I were trying to console him now.  NOT working. You know those all too numerous times you are driving around with a screaming child in your car and you are powerless to stop it?  That’s what I had on my hands.  It was my fault to boot.

I dropped her off and suggested what would make me feel better: food.

“Rex, want to go with me to buy bagels at the bagel store?” He nodded.  When we parked he unbuckled and stood in the car doorway pouting.

” I wanted my joke to make Vivien feel better, but it was your joke that did.  I’m sad.”

“Rex I am so sorry.  I should not have stepped on your line.  I’m so sorry.  But, it was your idea to tell her a joke and that DID help her feel better, so you did it.  You made her feel better.”

“But, you made the laugh.”

“Comics are terrible people. I’m sorry.”  Then we got bagels holding hands and he got a fruit cup from another store.  We were okay.

I’m proud of Rex that he wanted to make Vivien feel better and thought, like his mom, that humor is the way to healing.  I’m proud of him that he articulated his feelings to me. He is finding his way.  I just need to keep my mouth shut.

MORE inappropriate sandwich shape

My mind drifts as I make my kids sandwiches for their school lunch.  I started off thinking I would make a little girl sandwich.

 

But, then I keep going.  What if the girl then stuck her finger in an electrical socket?

 

 

Or, when she grows up, goes to college and parties a little hard.  This would be her sleeping off a bender.

 

At least I did stop myself from making a sandwich that showed what that girl did that night and with what!

 

 

 

Breastfeeding Chuckles

This falls right under the category of “Why didn’t I write this?” I felt the same way when I read the title of Chelsea Handler’s book, “My Horizontal Life.” (Although, then I read it and her horizontal life was filled with more boozes and lies than mine was, but great title.). Now, a title that fit’s with my mom life, “If These Boobs Could Talk.” As a committed breastfeeder for over 2 years I certainly could have come up with some humor to write down. But then there is that darn follow through thing!  Well, these ladies did it, bless their heart.

bonding
Creative Commons License photo credit: brooklyn

Here is their top ten:

Top 10 Things Breastfeeding Boobs Would Say

1. Since when are we open 24 hours?

2. Get the soothing gel. Get it now.

3. Sir, this is a “Babies Only” zone.

4. Kid, how can you not see our nipples when they’re the size of paper plates?

5. Woo hoo! We’re spraying across the room!

6. Wow, we look spectacular!

7. Wait, now we look like old gym socks.

8. Hmmm, do we hear a baby crying somewh…and there’s the milk.

9. Hey, we don’t get paid enough to work this hard.

10. Oh great. A tooth.

This is the perfect gift for a new mom.