I really love spending the morning with my son. It’s easiest if Vivien is in school, but even if there is a day off, and I have both of them and no other adult around, I’m fine. I’m like, come on, look at these cuties! I love being with them!
Sometimes I can feel that feeling coming on about 3:30. The voice inside of me that says, “Can someone else hold this kid for a minute?” I rarely have my spouse here at that time so that is why I use most of my nanny dollars for later afternoon early evening. And the strange thing is if I am alone with the kids at that time and strange thing happens, around 6:30/7p.m.
EVERYTHING IS OK.
Of course it was hell when Vivien was colicky at that time. But they can be just as they have been earlier in the day, but I feel antsy, more anxious, and feeling of, “Why didn’t I make plans?” comes over me. Why didn’t we go over to my mom’s? Why didn’t I invite a friend for dinner? Why didn’t I post a neon sign on my front door asking for people to talk to me?
I’m lucky. In a pinch I can pack them up and go to their daddy’s restaurant. Not as easy with two, but I’ve done it, and it’s a life saver. I beckon a waiter, “Please talk to me.”
As much as I would love a big house, I can’t leave the urban density. Think I would feel more lonely.
Well, I guess I could live anywhere… till 4pm.
You ever notice how old friends take more work than new friends? Often, old friends have accumulated baggage that we must contend with because now, we are in too deep. Or you made them when you were so young or needy you couldn’t screen them as sharply as you do newer friends.
It’s like the difference between dating my 20s and dating in my 30s. In my 20s I put up with all kinds of nonsense. In my 30s at the first sign on annoyance, I was, “Get your crap and get out of here.”
Here is a thought on my present state of friendships.
Just over 2 weeks, and I have a cold. Oy vey. Rex is still a relatively good baby, but the last couple of nights have been a tad more challenging. Dying for a mid-morning snooze and just got him to nod off in the vibey chair.
I am feeling well enough now, though, to be bummed about my body. But I keep telling myself it’s just over two weeks. I should give it a month or two before I really kick in with the self-loathing.
I did the repeat-effect picture to represent what I believe is the hallmark of new motherhood, “The Groundhog Day Effect.” It ‘s the same thing, everyday.
My neighbors and friends have been so nice to me that it’ s made a big difference in any baby blues that could occur. Bringing a gift for Viv and Rex, having a cup of tea, or bringing me a sandwich. Breaking that isolated-mommy feeling does as much for me as if I had a flat stomach… Okay, maybe almost as good.
I love the “it takes a village” idea. It’s the way to go. But, sadly my village is just too spread out for me. No wonder there are moms who get depressed or start drinking – it can be isolating. In fact when I was pregnant, my number one fear of being a mom was that I would be home at night with a tiny person who I couldn’t banter with and only the glow of a TV set to keep me warm. In a nutshell, that I would be an isolated woman. Little did I know one day I would start to embrace this.