no wonder I hate mother’s day

This is what my mother’s day looked like..real mothers day

Well, that’s not fair, I also had vomit on my pink P.j’s from when Rex threw up on me.  But, I’m sparing you a photo of that. No awkward brunch with corsage, no red roses, no sachet.

It would all be a day’s work, but being told it’s “MOTHER’S DAY” makes me cranky.  Same way Valentine’s day makes you think your in a crap relationship, when it’s just normal.  Expectations.

Mark is working hard, quite rightly, new business.  As he was rushing out the door in the AM I pleaded for some coffee, toast, NY Times and he complied.  The kids were great for 2 hours because they had a friend over.  Hey, this is ok. My stepson called me which the biggest gift that he can give me, he knows my number! (see desperate stepmom seek connection)  Then when the friend left my little ones turned on each other like demons.  Though to be fair.  I made it worse.  They would settle into a show, a game what have you and after a bit I would check in on them.  My presence was a catalyst for them turning on each other.

“I’m going to leave you guys alone” I said as I walked out of the room for 2 hours.  No fighting. I’m the problem.

In the evening things had settled down, we were watching Season Finale of one of our favorite shows, “Once upon a Time”.   Okay, day has it’s grace notes.  Then Rex threw up on me.

Well, I don’t like red roses anyway.

 

My Dream Diagnosis

You ever go into a drawer, a box, your sister’s closet and find an article of clothing you forgot you had?  Well, sometimes I forget about videos I’ve made.  I’ve done over 500.  Here is one I tripped over and it was never tagged, promoted, etc so it only has 56 views.  That’s probably just from my mom.

In it I do part of bit I did when I was doing stand up when I was pregnant with Vivien.  A big belly is a great sight gag.  Here I’m pregnant with Rex.  You can hear that baby pressing on my lungs.  I’m gasping like Dom Deluise.  What I can’t figure out is why me and my camera man lined up the shot the way we did..right next to the pile of junk on my desk.  Oh, now I remember I knew I was going to be out of commission soon with Rex coming and we shot 20 videos in one day!

Anyway… here is one of the best things a doctor could tell a woman:

 

My Favorite Vids… Moms with scarves

This video is one of my favorites.  When I was on Hallmark’s “Home and Family” recently this was one of the videos I sent to them to show.  The producers loved it, except I use the word “Vagina” in it.  But, on the innerweb we don’t have to worry about  questionable vulgarity like they do on basic cable.  So, for those who have never seen it, Enjoy!.  Revisiting, enjoy again and remember when Rex still had his curls!

If only we had a Stunt Mom

Through blogging I’ve met some very cool woman.  One of my faves is Shannon Colleary. She is funny and writes a lot about how women’s body images and how our sense of self changes through the years.  We feel worse about ourselves when we are young and thin, and finally get some self acceptance when we have parts of our body start to jiggle .  And not in a cute way.  A crude summing up, but you know.  Well, Shannon’s writings frequently get picked up by Huffington Post and on one such occasion she included a video of mine.  It went viral and I said, who is this smart, funny woman who thinks I’m a funny, smart woman?  We had lunch and a friendship bloomed.  I asked if she would make a guest appearance in one of my videos.  She agreed and I came up with the idea of Stunt Mom.  The woman who appears who can do the work you don’t want to do.  It was all improvised and Shannon was spot on perfect.

What would you have your stunt mom do?

 

Am I raising a bad boyfriend?

Am I a young woman’s worst nightmare, or future buddy?  If I raise Rex to be good to the woman in his life I’m gold, if he has all kind of f–ed up mother issues some chick will be trashing me which she goes to lunch with her girlfriends.  By they way, if it’s a future boyfriend, that’s fine too.

Do mothers shape the boyfriends of tomorrow?  Am I messing him up?  Do I care?

Questions I can’t answer

Or, how being a mom makes me feel like a dumb ass.  Am I smarter than a 5th grader?  I wish.  I felt like such a big cheese when I was taking small rubber objects out of their mouths so they didn’t choke.  Keeping their hands from open flames.  But, now that they talk, go to school and haven’t done drugs their little minds are challenging my major domo position.

Movies for kids

When I don’t want my kids to watch anymore sassy, put down Disney shows I redirect them to a movie. I saw lots of films growing up that would be good for them, right? Maybe not. “Back to the Future” seems like a family film. Till you watch it and count the S bombs that get dropped. So does our youth cinema watching brain jibe with our older parent watching brain?

Is it because I was actually older when I watched the films?  Probably.  But, sensibilities can be different.  So which films that I thought would be good for kids were and which weren’t.

Which old chestnuts have you shown your kids?  Which laid an egg and which ones landed?

potluck ransom

I love pot lucks.  I like hosting pot lucks. However,  rules must be observed.  Put your name on your stuff.  I can’t run everyone down

” did you leave the powder blue bowl?  The Winnie the pooh platter?  The silver pan?  Were you even here?”

I’m fine with hosting class parties.  I like to.  If not we end up in some gross LA city park with porta potties and bums sleeping next to the kids while they play capture the flag.  I don’t mind the set up, clean up.  We have a big backyard.  I just want people to take their shit with them when they leave.  The one night stand is over, get your crap and get out.  You never wanted to hear from that dude at the club you bedded after a few too many did you?  No, I don’t even remember his name.  But, he kept calling me “lips.”

After grilling our room teachers with the rules before our class party what happens?  One room parent has been emailing me about her serving spoon.  More than once.  I would have prefered if she had just shown up at my door and said “do you mind if I rifle through your kitchen and see if I can find over grown spork?”

She is a nice person, so I finally did hunt around for it after the last email.  I thought I would add a little drama into this potluck tension.  I sent her the following:

“Today’s newspaper let’s you know your spoon is alive as of today.  But, if you don’t follow my instructions it is in danger.”

potluck ransomeI should have told her that she needed to drop of a entrée that would feed ten if she ever wanted to see her spoon again.  No vegi platter.  No one ever eats the raw cauliflower.

But, instead this morning I handed to the other room parent and said, “your girl wants me to put this in her kid’s cubby.  I’m not even sure who her kid is let alone run her cubby.”

She got it.  “She didn’t put her name on it like you asked?  I’ll take care of it.”  Later I saw her leaving a message on her cell phone, “Hey, I’ve got your crummy spoon what do you want me to do with it?”

It’s still better we hosted.  If you leave something in the park, would it be there if you went back? Would you still want it?

 

Mysteries of motherhood

When did that brown spot appear on my face?  Who stole my old knees?  Things I wonder about.  To promote Debra Messing’s new show “The Mysteries of Laura” I was asked to speak about my own mysteries of motherhood ( and to include a successful you tube couple called NiveNuls.I have see odd stuff in my house and I bet you have in yours.  What’s up with that?

 

 

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