My Dream Diagnosis

You ever go into a drawer, a box, your sister’s closet and find an article of clothing you forgot you had?  Well, sometimes I forget about videos I’ve made.  I’ve done over 500.  Here is one I tripped over and it was never tagged, promoted, etc so it only has 56 views.  That’s probably just from my mom.

In it I do part of bit I did when I was doing stand up when I was pregnant with Vivien.  A big belly is a great sight gag.  Here I’m pregnant with Rex.  You can hear that baby pressing on my lungs.  I’m gasping like Dom Deluise.  What I can’t figure out is why me and my camera man lined up the shot the way we did..right next to the pile of junk on my desk.  Oh, now I remember I knew I was going to be out of commission soon with Rex coming and we shot 20 videos in one day!

Anyway… here is one of the best things a doctor could tell a woman:

 

Cranky pregnant woman

My friend Joanna is weeks from giving birth.  I see her at drop off with her first grader and her toddler son- who is also Rex’s BFF. Parking at our school is difficult for those of us not carrying around an extra 40 lbs. Finding a place to park near a crack house, stepping over dog poo while holding two kids hands is our morning.  Too boot Los Angeles is having record setting heat.  Today it’s 101.  October.  101.  Yeah, global warming, I believe you.

Seeing her waddle in and telling her son “no, I can’t pick you up.”  I had a deep flashback. “Don’t you just want to kill everyone?”  I queried.  Yes, said without hesitation ( which is one of the reasons I like her)

The funny thing is I actually think my cranky gave me some energy.  Mother nature’s way of pushing you through those final, heavy, back breaking months.   MOMS to be… especially those with older kids, this ones for you!

A Stranger Kissed My Son

Everyone says that when you are pregnant, people will rub your belly and say disgusting things. Yes, during this last pregnancy, I did get tired of being asked by strange men at the grocery store if I was carrying 8 babies. You are so funny I forgot to laugh! But in general, the old Armenian lady telling me to cover my big belly, strangers guessing if I was carrying a boy or a girl, or friends kissing my tummy didn’t bother me that much. But a stranger kissing my infant? That’s another story….

I Keep On Falling…

…in love? Actually off my porch. I did this earlier in my pregnancy (like 5 months) and got a deep gash in my right shin. This time I got an even longer and deeper gash in my right shin (could I look more pasty white?).

I had boots on that had no tread; it was raining, and I slipped on my slick porch. You know when you can feel yourself going down? At least this time I didn’t break my fall with my wrist like last time and give myself another injury. And I did not land on my big belly. Phew.

Vivien and Mark were with me. As I lay on the ground on my back crying, Viv said about 6 times, “You are going to have big gash”. Between my tears I finally growled, “You’ve said that 6 times.” When someone falls, I think it’s best if people:

1) assess if there is serious injury

2) make soft sympathetic noises

3) help the person who fell up

4) more sympathetic words

5) first aid

then you can mention the size of my gash ONCE.

Well, thirty pounds hanging over my belt is bound to make me a little off kilter.  Ha, who am I kidding.  I haven’t worn a belt in a long time.