what’s a matter with that ladies face?

4 days after surgery

4 days after surgery (photos nicely done by http://www.nylaportraits.com/)

 

 I had an eye job.  Let’s get that straight right from the start. I wasn’t beaten by my husband or in a car accident. I get that you might wince or feel empathetic pain looking at these photos but when they were taken a few days after my surgery I felt fine.  A little tired from the pain meds, but considering I had my face cut open, pretty good.

could have been in season 3 of Daphne Dishes!

could have been in season 3 of Daphne Dishes!

 

I had been thinking about doing this for a while.  I can see dwindling collagen and gravity were altering a few things on my face… and other places.   Finding out my show wasn’t renewed seemed like a good time.  Don’t need to be in front of the camera’s any time soon.  I’m not going to apologize or feel I have to justify it. In the grand scheme of things it’s not such a big deal.  In an age of self transformation from multiple piercing to transgender, who really cares about a middle aged lady fixing a saggy eyelid?

 

Yet, when women do it ( and men too) they hide.  Why?  I’m greatly influenced by my brief time living in Miami.  Miami is populated with lots of South Americans.  Maybe because Brazil is in the top 10 of countries with plastic surgery ( South Korea is number one)  Or maybe because Miami is a city you can reinvent yourself, but people walk around with some bruising.  People say, “oh, did you get the fat pocket surgery?  I’m thinking of doing that.”  It’s no big deal.

 

Why not be open?  People will judge me for it, but I judge the sloppy dressed lady behind me at the supermarket.  I cringe at  pierced septums, I fixate on mucus hanging from their hoop when they have a cold.  I’m startled when I see a neck tattoo.  So judge away.

While these pictures are a bit alarming I’m glad we took them because by the next day a lot of the bruising had receded.  Moms at school would remark, “It’s really gone down.”  and “I’ve never seen anyone out after surgery, everybody hides.” I’m outspoken and honest to a fault.  It’s gotten me in trouble.  A lot.  But, the flip side is this is my authentic self.  When my friend Cheryl sent me the photos she took she said, “they are vulnerable and funny, like you.”  I think it’s why comedy resonates with me.  I’ll make fun of myself before you can.  Funny people are famously a bit dark.  Yep. Think that’s true.  See my mangled face!  Bwahhh.

 

The question I get asked the most is ,”Did it hurt?”  A bit, but not much. I did it without general anesthesia.  Partly because I find recovering from that difficult, and partly because not doing it saved me $2,500.   I took two xanaxs, a vicodin, an antibiotic and a few minutes later as I was getting woozy my doctor started shooting me up with lidocaine around my eyes.  That kinda hurt, about like a botox shot feels on your forehead.  That was maybe 30 seconds, then I fell asleep.  When I woke up my husband was there ( I took a cab solo to the procedure, no use someone waiting around).  That was when I had the most pain.  I felt throbbing soreness around my eyes.  They gave me a pain pill and by the time I was in our car I felt nothing.  I slept propped up and my husband dutifully woke me up every 4 hours to give me the meds so I could stay ahead of the pain. He also woke me up at dinner time to give me a bowl of homemade Carbonara pasta.  My favorite!  “Hmm, this is good.” I ate a small bowl and passed out again.  By the next day I was feeling better.

 

Now, it’s not without problems.  Mostly because I’m taking an opiate for pain and I went cold turkey one day.  At that point the pain could be controlled with a little Advil, but I started to slip into Kurt Cobain like depression.  I called my husband who said, “Go take a half pill, you have to wean yourself.”  Which I did over the next few days.  Between the surgery and pills I was a bit more emotional than normal.  

I'm bruised, but still your wacky mom

I’m bruised, but still your wacky mom

I had prepped my kids that I was going to look like Frankenstein when I got home.  They were fascinated to see the stitches on my eyelids.  They are pretty grizzly looking at first.  The lower lids were artfully stitched up on my lash line so they were unrecognizable. The uppers, yikes! My kids liked helping with my cold compresses the first few days, and later the warm ones.  They let me sleep the first two days.  Then they wanted mom on the go again bruised or not.  Kids roll with it.

 

call me crazy, but I love this picture

call me crazy, but I love this picture

I hear,  “ I didn’t think you needed this.”  Well, thanks friend/family/dude at gas station.  That’s kinder than saying “I wondered when you were going to tighten that up!”  But, I didn’t do it for anyone else.  I did it for me. My own selfish, self centered, vain self.    It got to the point that when I put on liquid eye liner on my top lid it would end up near my eyebrows as my drooping lid would fall and catch it. When I smiled a ridge of flesh like a caterpillar was forming under my eyes, especially my right one. It bugged me.  So, the doctor removed some skin at the bottom and artfully stitched me up on my lower lash line.  Very well done.  Harder and longer to heal is the upper lids.  A month later all bruising is gone, but I still have flesh bumps on my lid where the stitches were.  They say it can take 6 months for the swelling to completely go away and for it to settle.  I hope so, because of after the hassle and expense of this I do want to look refreshed. That’s why I thought I needed this.

 

I get the resistance, but  I didn’t think that pretty girl at the sandwich shop should have put that large tattoo on her shoulder and gauges in her ears, but she didn’t ask me.  

no make up?, that's just the start

no make up?, that’s just the start

Don’t worry I tell friends, I’m not going to become the cat lady and change the plane of my face and have puffy lips.  At some point, I will go gently into the aging process, a lineless 80 year old might be unnerving.  But for right now I just want to look a smidge more like the lady I’ve been staring at for years.   I’m not justifying, I’m explaining and I want to support anyone who has done this or wants to.  If you saved your acorns to do it, good for you. We all have our reasons, and they are our own.

Sum recipes, sum changes

I keep thinking, well I USED to be on Food Network.  but, guess I’m still on cause my episode Sum Sum Summertime is on tomorrow.  It’s got some tasty stuff on it.  Chorizo sliders, chorizo slidersfish tacos… rock it!!  All recipes HERE

 

But, since I NOT filming new shows…right now, something else is cooking.. so to speak.  Me.

If this light was always on my I wouldn't have needed an eye job.  And by "need" I mean want.

If this light was always on my I wouldn’t have needed an eye job. And by “need” I mean want.

I’m laying low.. literally I am finally getting my long awaited eye job!  I’ve been wanting one for a long time and I’m not going to that BS of disappearing for two weeks and everyone says, “did you get bangs?  What’s different?”  I’ve been saving my acorns for this for a while and it’s a big middle-aged present to myself. But, I will not be laying low for long.  Oh, no.  I’m not hiding.  Just resting.

So, I’m feeling all Brian Wilson, on my back, on pain killers while my Chef husband hand feeds me home made pasta Carbonara ( for reals).  I’m feeling like maybe I’ll get my own pet sounds out of this.  Need to shut my eyes and rest, but soon enough I’ll show it all to you Fuchsia bruises and all!

As much as I hate when skinny celebs say “yes, I eat burritos and ice cream”, I’m not going lie about this.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all fish lips, change the planes of my face, just got a little “redundant skin” that has been bugging me  on my lids and a bit of “crepe” under.  I know gravity is not going to make better.   NO cheek implants, no over arched eyebrows.  But let’s say I did go all Mickey Rourke, whose to call it?  You know what, gender reassignment, tattoos, piercing, hair extension where is the limit?  Body as art, body as self-expression?  Or maybe just as simple as mom who recently discovered her own body, her own sexual self and is tossing out the granny gowns and doing something for herself.

 

To be continued…

 

People,ugly

I just took the kids to a local amusement park, The Santa Monica Pier.  The kids love the rides.  I love seeing them happy.  But, the same thought goes through my head at this place and every other place full of humans in casual clothes in crowded places.

You people look awful

There is clearly a serious weight problem in America.  Check. I know, I’m not the first to note this.  Also,  I’m a big old fogey with my dislike of rampant tattoos. Anything intersting or meaningful has to be inked all over skin now.  Can’t we get to know each other and then I’ll learn of your love of oak trees, your uncle, your dead cat? How about scrapbooking? The other visual blight is  piercings that look like some food was stuck on someones face.  I almost handed a lady a napkin in line for the bumper cars till I realized that the dot of a food crumb above her lip was nailed into her flesh.

We are all slobs

Yes, it was hot, even a tad humid, which never brings out the best in humanity.   It certainly hasn’t brought out the best in our sartorial choices.  But, let’s start out with  things that don’t hug every hunk of bat fat, or back breasts as I recent’ heard them called.  Gent’s, you don’t need a tank that bares your clumps of back hair do you? I knew I was going to trash land so I chose a t shirtwith a drawing of  a mobile camper.  As if to say, yes, I look like trailer trash today.  I’m already judging myself.  I had trouser shorts, which are an appropriate length.  Unlikes some of the sausage thighs I saw with barely a fistful of material swathed around them.  With Rex in tow I’m assured There Will Be Spills.  Maybe even bodily fluids on my clothes by days end, thus breaking out anything beyond the Old Navy, TJ Max clearance rack pointless.

I plucked a happy birthday cone hat on my head while we were there.  Again, admitting, that good looks had not been achieved and if you can’t be handsome, be funny.  I also thought it would make it easier for my kids to find me if we were seperated.

Tennis shoes, sunglasses to hide lack facial flaws in over head sun. I give kudos who the mom who I saw who had a 3/4 billowy black sundress and large white sunhat.  Block of colors and covering any figure flaws while being comfortable.  Good job mom.

Maybe we should just wear costumes.

Bill Maher had a bit on his show a couple of years ago where he said if we get any more casual soon people who be walking around in diapers.  When I look better I do tend to feel better.  Dressed badly I feel every figure flaw.  I should follow these gals lead from 1960’s

Look how happy that they are dressed in cute day clothes.

I think a lot of people have the same one I have.  I have NICE clothes, dresses for work, blazers.  I have a bunch of crappy t shirts.     I think we need to work on the middle a tad more folks.  My husband did well today.  He had a Cuban style shirt over jeans.  I think that’s a nice medium look for a man.  Nothing hugging a gut.  I have a few casual Target dresses that are wash and wear and can accessorized up a bit in the medium category.  A button shirt over capris or shorts would work as well ( clearly capris bring joy)

In old pictures people looked better

So, when did the change come from people going out like this 

to this? 

The early ’70’s I think.  But, why with greater equality for women, all races and microwave ovens did we have to go to slobville?  Clothes are cheaper than ever.  Just because someone gave us a tank with a logo on it, doesn’t mean we have to wear it.

Oh, and how did my funny hat finder work?  Not well.  I lost Rex for a minute and when I found him crying a young gal covered in tattoos, pierced something, her guy friend, shirtless were trying to help him find his mom.  I know, scrappy slobs  can be very nice people.  I just wish we looked nicer.

 

 

Momversation: What Does a Mom Look Like?

I think this subject could be its own site. Post a picture and ask on a scale of 1 to 10 “do I look like a mom?”

I think most days I’d be an 8 or 9. But that rare moment when I get dolled up my number would go down… which is what I want. I would rather be a MILF. I feel very un-MILF like (well, except I know most guys don’t care if you are super hot, they just want super willing). I am lucky that one of my jobs is having professionals make me look a couple of times a month for “The Fashion Team” on TV guide Channel. That is like therapy. I remember, hey I use to be a frosty piece of…

This episode started out being a question of whether it was appropriate for mothers to have tattoos, and it evolved from there.

So do you look like a mom?  I’m curious since I’ve seen so few of you!