when did my little girl…?

I don’t mean to start belting “Sunrise, Sunset”, well if I had a voice I would, but lately I’ve been struck by a discordant thought.  I see Rex and I can remember going through these stages with Vivien, and yet can hardly remember that this spunky, beautiful girl was ever my big chubby baby.  And she was my only baby so I know she was the CENTER OF MY WORLD.  Now, I have to two centers, and she is so independent, it’s hard to remember when I held her everywhere.

Everyone tells you, “It goes so fast”, but it doesn’t feel like that when you are in it.  But I realize I have not aged that much in her lifetime, yet she is a totally different person, so yes, it goes so fast.  I still wear shoes and clothes that I wore when she was born, or before she was born.  Yet, here she is this full person.

So, when I go out to eat with friends and I get this pang of guilt that I have missed a night of Rex’s babyhood, or of this sweet preschool side of Vivien.  Why did I leave?  Why did I go for two hours?  Before I was a mom I would have thought me crazy to worry about a few hours.

But, then I think of how Vivien looked here…

and how she looks now…

(And sidebar, I gaze at this photo of these two cute siblings even when they are right next to me. Put that in the take to the rest home with me box. Will also pull out when years from now they have a conflict and I remind them how they must always stick together.)

Is that the same person? Sure, you can see the shape of the eyes, and the rosy cheeks, but what a difference 3 years makes.  At my age three years barely adds a crows feet.  Not that different.

It’s a person who TOTALLY depended upon you and while they still do, they can now wipe their own butt and put food in their own mouth, so it’s different.

And your first kid changes your brain chemistry forever.

I so get my parents gazing at me growing up.  And me thinking, “I’m not that great”, when they would praise me.  But, now I can’t help myself from gushing to Vivien how much I adore her.

Maybe I should write a song.