Don’t Wake Me, I’m Having Sex with Someone Else

I have to share an incident from the other night. I am preparing to host a show called 24 Inside. I do a few every year; it’s a web show about the Kiefer Sutherland show “24.” I interview the writers, actors, producers (though, ironically, in all the years I have been doing the show, we have never been able to interview Kiefer).  Anyway, I love “24,” and “24 Inside” is fun to do, as I get to work with cool people.

Kiefer Sutherland
Creative Commons License photo credit: ertarantiniano

To help me prepare for the upcoming shows, they sent me some of the already-filmed episodes. If you are a “24″ fan, this could make you salivate. I have to say I felt like I had gotten something coveted, like a picture of Brangelina’s twins, or the inside track on who Obama and McCain are picking as their VPs, or Botox for life (hmm, maybe not that good).

Anyway, back to the sex. So I have been watching an episode or two before I go to sleep (can’t watch it with Viv in the room, as it’s way too intense). The other night, I am having a happy dream where I have a pretty little home, I feel good, and I realize Jack Bauer is on my bed, ready for some loving. But he is making a goose sound and I worry he is about to kill or die, because that’s the threat on “24.” I slowly realize it’s the actor playing Jack in my bed, and now I’m really psyched.

So I am starting our big makeout, but the goose sound is still going. I say, “Kiefer, I am about to lick your backside, but you’re making a goose sound. Cut it out.” He is laughing and saying, “I’m not doing it.” Then my third eye kicks in, and I realize it’s my husband. I wake up and uncharacteristically, Mark is snoring like a friggin’ goose! I whack him: “You are snoring.” He shifts: “Oh, sorry”

But I couldn’t yell the other thing in my head, which was, “You have ruined my erotic dream with Kiefer Sutherland!” I fumed for twenty minutes before I finally went back to sleep.

It’s fun when you have a delicious dream that you wish to elongate… so to speak.

Dancing with a Toddler

Here’s what a dork I am. I just frittered away a good ten minutes of my life looking up the bios on Dancing with the Stars, and not just the celebs but the dancers and the judges too. I mean who is Carrie Ann Inaba anyway? I also wanted to know who that hot Latin “star” was. He was in the first season of Ugly Betty. He played the photographer who pretended to be in love with Alexis the transgender sister of Daniel.

As a host I can be very critical of my brethren. Initially I thought Tom Bergeron was a generic, white man, tool. But, he has impressed me with his ability to improvise. Samantha Harris is annoying just because she has great arms and a tiny figure 4 minutes after giving birth. Her job is kind of thankless. How many times can you ask, “The judges were kind of hard on you out there. How do you feel?”

I love DWTS. It’s a show I can watch with my daughter because it’s not scary (she can’t distinguish botched plastic surgery) and we often get up and dance during the show. Lately, DWTS and Ugly Betty are the only shows Vivien allows me to watch –with humans–without whining. It’s hard for me to even get to American Idol this season. After 5 minutes she says, “Momma, I no like this show.” And my old favorite Hardball? Forget about it! Not enough movement.